Stress

I'm beginning to wonder about mental stability, health, emotional stress, and all of the connections. I'm noticing that the more upset I get with my life, the worse I feel, and I know this isn't a very good connection because now even somewhat simple things are taking very heavy tolls on me. I'm finding myself abnormally stressed out, without any way to channel that stress into anything else. Video games have become completely unentertaining, including games I once enjoyed more than anything else. I believe I could play Halo 3 right now, and not find any enjoyment out of it whatsoever... I'm constantly tired, but unable to sleep. No matter what I eat, it tastes terrible, and my stomach is upset by it. I've taken so much Excedrin to dull my headache, and it's still coming back immediately. I can't sit up straight because I feel dizzy, but if I lay down, I keep moving around due to restlessness. I talk to people so I don't feel alone, but then I find myself feeling crowded if I talk to even more than one person. I even caught a mere cold for the first time in over 6 years just a week ago; that one week I was actually sick wasn't nearly as miserable as this week has been so far, though.

I'm hopeful, and I try to be optimistic, but the way things keep changing, I'm wondering if your so called "God" really even cares anymore. I'm not atheist, I still believe in the possibility of a higher-up, and I even agree with the existence of an afterlife. But the so-called "loving", "caring" God who you pay your respects to so much, the one you pray to believing that he'll save you from your suffering and that he'll make things better? I'm sorry. I refuse to believe in that. God might exist, but there is no proof that anything in this day is affected by that. For all we know, he created the Earth, the animals on it, and humanity... and from that day forth, we've taken over as the creators. God has probably moved on to bigger and better things, and we are simply still going, trying to create something to make us worth his notice again, and we are not succeeding... And in my entire life, I have yet to see God answer a single one of my prayers, caring as they are. I simply don't believe that it works that way anymore. We have to fend for ourselves, and quite frankly, I'm in a situation where there's simply nothing I can do. If things end up getting too deep, I'll try to pull myself back up so I have higher ground, but there's only so much I can do, and my reach isn't that far...

I've accepted the fact that my life is my life, and that I have to live it for myself. Others will be there for me sometimes, but I cannot, in my right mind, expect people to be there all the time. And I'm no longer upset by this supposed "loner" ideal, it's quite a realistic train of thought when you've experienced what I have. So that having been said, I've felt far more comfortable staying locked up in my room, talking to as few people as possible but still enough to not feel completely and desperately alone, and sleeping most of the time. It's not the best life, but at the moment, it's all I can handle, and I'm quite comfortable with it.

Now, this doesn't mean I want to completely avoid anyone and everyone for the rest of my life. Absolutely not. It just means I need my space quite a bit more than usual, and that the only times I really want to spend time with other people are going to be times that I choose, typically, so long as the others are up to it at that time as well. If they're not, then I don't spend time with them, just as they wouldn't spend time with me if I wasn't up to it. I still need company sometimes, but I feel much more comfortable being on my own most of the time at home because I don't have to put as much effort into anything. If I don't feel good, I can simply say "I'll be right back", and just lay down. In person, this is a lot more difficult, especially if you're not at your own house. And as horrible as I've felt lately, it's almost a necessity to stay at home where I can just fall asleep if I start to feel too sick...

Now, unfortunately, my migraine is coming back on once again, and as much as I'd like to continue my rant, I need to lay down for now. I'll probably continue it later on, whether it's today or tomorrow, I'unno. I'll update you though as soon as necessary.