A few of you have known me for a year, some for two, a few for three, and even fewer for four or more. Those of you who have actually known me the full four years, remember how I was in 2006. I was extremely depressive. Those of you who have only known me for one year, picture the worst you've seen me, multiply it by at least 30. I don't mean just a little upset, I'm talking full blown depression. To the point that even my closest friends and family were my worst enemies, and I wanted nothing to do with them. To the point I have -hit- my own brother and my best friend in real life due to how angry I got. I wasn't just depressed, I took suicidal and manic to it's limits. If it had progressed any further, you could have easily heard of me on the news for a killing spree. Thankfully, it never reached that point, and I've gradually gotten much more relaxed and calmed myself. Moving on...
I admit, I haven't gone through as much as some people have. Others have gone through so much more, but people are different. Some people have a lot of stamina and can run for miles, others can't even run for half a mile without being exhausted. I have a confusing 'breaking point', that's both deep and shallow at the same time. I can handle a lot of stress, but I perceive stress differently. Minor things stress me out a lot, and major things stress me out even more. Even without going through the things others have, I have experienced levels of stress that I know aren't healthy, and I shouldn't be able to survive it. I've matured faster, and more than I could have imagined, which I don't think necessarily was a good thing nor a bad thing. I've grown up so much that I've literally forgotten who I was, and wonder if I'm the same person sometimes. It's a very confusing experience, one I really don't want others to go through. Life is rough, yes, but it's not meant to be an unbearable experience... I would rather carry those burdens on my own, than let others. I want to be Superman, so to speak...
To explain my maturity, I've learned how to live. I've realized how things should be done in life, and it's very different than how I went about doing things. I still make mistakes. I don't always make the right decisions... But that's how things should be. Things aren't meant to go perfectly. If we knew what to do all the time, we would get bored. We would run out of things to do because everything would be the same thing over and over again, nothing new, and everything would be too easy... We're supposed to challenge ourselves. We are supposed to make mistakes in order to learn from them, and sometimes we will still forget and have to learn it again. This is our purpose in life, is to press forward. Prove ourselves worthy for the challenge. People become depressed because they don't want that challenge, but they don't think that if it were too easy, they would have nothing to do. Nothing worth continuing for. The challenge is our purpose. To learn, to understand. And I've learned. I'm still learning. I understand, but there's more to understand. We think of things in three dimensions, five senses, and the basic logic of "right and wrong". There are possibly more dimensions that the mere five senses we've come to comprehend are capable of understanding, and there's more than just right and wrong. Not everything is yes and no, some things are 1 to 100, and others require variables. This is where the comprehension of mathematics came in. This is why science was discovered and studied. This is why we write down our history, for future persons to understand what we went through for them to know, and for them to mark their places as well.
I'm no longer bored with life. I do find little entertainment in the mediocre parts of life, and while games are fun, they're not the challenge I'm looking for. I could be so much happier, I know, and -that- is my motivation for living. I know there's something deeper, and I want to find it. I want to discover the undiscoverable. I know there is more than one purpose in life, and I want to understand what other purposes I have here. I won't back down from a challenge, and I won't give up until I find the answers. Even if I forget them after I find them, so long as I've understood it long enough to say I won, then I'm happy.
Now... Do you understand?
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