Trust

When someone makes a new friend, one of the most important things about keeping them around is trust. This is also something important in a relationship, with family, and with "God" I guess. Without trust, things fall apart. It's not like glue, it's just tape. Scotch tape. It's very easy to break, but so much harder to put back together -- you have to use new tape, and eventually the roll runs dry. My level of trust has dropped more and more every day of my life. I still trust people blindly, but not as much as I used to... hardly at all. It's hard to explain. I don't trust them with my life, but I don't distrust them as a friend. They're there, and I consider them friends, but that's about where it ends. Too many people have broken my trust for me to be able to do much more than that, and as much as I hate to say it, it's really brought me down so far over the years. But I can't hate them, nor do I want to. It's my fault for trusting people blindly and letting them do this to me. I knew it was coming every single time. But I didn't back away to safety, I simply braced myself and walked further into the flames. Was I looking for something? Not really. I just felt like I had nowhere else to go...

What few friends I've had these past years, things have gotten rough with.

I trust one of them very much lately, he's been there for me as a friend and even though I know I probably bring him down a lot with my depression, he means a lot to me as a friend. Just like my girlfriend was there for me all the time in 2006 and 2007, he's been the only support I've had to stay alive this year really... Otherwise, my sanity would be paper thin. I appreciate it, bro'. I'm not trying to be awkward, but honestly, it really helped me so much. Thank you.

But a few friends have come and gone so fast it hurts. I can't survive with few friends. I'm an attention whore by nature, I -need- company. I say I need to be alone sometimes, and it's true, I do like some privacy and solitude when I'm upset... but not because I want to be alone. It's because I don't want to bring others down, and make them hate me. When I was younger, all I did was bring everyone else down when I was upset. They said I was whining too much, or that I was a crybaby. Other times, it was "fake", "wolf", or whatever else they threw at me. I wasn't allowed to be upset. Even the closest of friends treated me like shit because of it... And I'm scared of losing more friends because of my being upset. It's going to happen anyway. But all I can do is brace myself, and keep moving... No matter how much it hurts.

My family has pretty much fallen apart. I don't want to bring them down by saying this, but... I feel like my family's just... gone. My mom's there, and I have no complaints with her whatsoever. My dad's gotten a bit closer lately, and that kind of makes things uncomfortable for me because it brings back memories of when I was really young. Memories that I can't handle amidst all the other stress. But I still want to cherish every minute I have of it. My siblings and I aren't in the best of situations with each other lately. I've had some issues with them as they have with me, and it's just a long running situation due to opinions. There's nothing that can be done. I just wish I could go back to the old days, when I was still young and immature and spent all day running around the supermarket with my brother, hiding in the clothing racks, and getting frightened by my own reflection. Opening presents at christmas, and taking pictures of our reactions. I miss all of it. But there's no such thing as a time machine. It's all gone now, and there's nothing I can do about it but look back, and just hope there's going to be a good ending to this story. My cousin's been there for me a lot this year too, and I appreciate that. Even though mostly just distraction via video games, it's helped me a lot. I know he's said he's there if I need to talk, but I can't just talk. I need encouragement.

This is where the next paragraph starts. I need to talk. I really do. I'm on the verge of tears every single day lately, sometimes farther than just on, and my schedule is all wrong again because I can't think, I can't sleep anymore. I sleep, but... it's not nearly as much as I used to. I'm out for 2 hours at a time, and it's nothing. Pitch black emptiness for a couple hours, and it's honestly the scariest feeling I can imagine. At least if I were dreaming every time, I wouldn't be scared of never waking up. But when there's no sound, no feeling, no light or darkness... just emptiness... the fear sinks in. And I can't bring myself to ask for help. I just can't ask someone to be there for me, when no one wants to. I don't know how to explain why I'm upset anyway... I'll just end up sounding stupid. I'm just scared. I'm scared, stressed, confused, worried, unsure, and so many other things that end up making depression so much worse. And I don't want to be alone like this anymore. But I can't bring somebody else down just because of my own feelings... So I won't bother anyone. I'll keep pretending to be happy until things work out... And if they don't, at least I know I'd die with a smile on my face, just to leave everybody convinced.

People say life's a roller coaster, what with it's ups and downs. It seems more like a skydive to me...