Feeling

A lot has happened since I've last posted a blog. I feel it's necessary to catch my readers up, even though most of you know the basics. I'm going to go deeper (lolinception), though, so read on even if you think you know.

I'm now single. Not by choice, of course, but I do technically have the choice anyways. I'm fine with it. It's probably for the best, really, considering the way things were. I wouldn't have made the choice for things to turn out this way, but unusually, I'm okay with it. This is especially unusual for me, as most of you can imagine why, but I guess it's just different this time. I don't know if it'd be considered denial, or this is normal now. Either way, I'm not going to consider it denial. It's not a problem to me. I'll spare you the details of what happened though, as it's not really my place to talk about, even though it actually is. Let's move on, though.

I seem to have an unusual lack of enthusiasm for anything. Similar to my previous complaint at one point about how I had no motivation to sleep, much less to wake up, it's now like that for almost everything. I'm not going to say it's a complete lack, as I still have motivations to do some things at some instances. I enjoy driving places, and I enjoy eating at least once a day, otherwise I feel miserable and hungry. I have some motivation to play games, but it's short-lived. I have a motivation to read the book I'm borrowing from my uncle, because it seems like it could present some useful knowledge, but I don't have the motivation to read it for more than a couple pages at a time, which isn't going to cut it. It's just that everything doesn't seem worth it, as if I'd just be wasting my time. It's not that I have anything better to do. I don't. I really have practically nothing to do, if I'm being honest, because I don't have a job nor schoolwork, and there's no point in studying anything or preparing when I don't know what my upcoming plans are for the most part. I just have no interest in anything. It all seems boring and useless to me. I don't really understand it. But then again, I don't try to. I have no interest in doing so...

I'm having trouble sleeping suddenly. I've never said I was an insomniac. In fact, I'm far from it. I'm closer to a hypersomniac normally, because I tend to oversleep. I spent a couple weeks this year sleeping almost 16 hours a day. Now, I'm finding myself struggling to actually fall asleep when I'm extremely exhausted, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling horribly sick and can't breathe or close my eyes, and have to get up and walk to the kitchen, get a drink, then walk back, circle around my room as best I can for a few seconds, then try to sleep again. This happens usually twice a night, sometimes more. I don't have sleep apnea, and I have no actual sleeping disorders that I know of. I have been having trouble with my health lately, but most of that was presumably due to slight malnutrition. Nothing worth worrying about, I've always thought... I'm going to get an appointment with a physician soon though to get everything checked out and written up on paperwork just so I have it. All the useful stuff, anyways, including blood tests. I know I'm going to ask them to check for signs of one thing, if possible, as I'm pretty sure I'm right. Somehow, I kind of hope so... We'll see.

I'm going to start a song of the day thing. For me, today's song wasn't determined until it came up on my playlist while typing this. Jesse McCartney's "It's Over" really hits home for some reason. I guess it's understandable, even if it's not entirely accurate. Oh well... I'll probably have more to say later. I just don't have enthusiasm to continue to type this. My mind is blanking on me here... Another time, another place.

End.