Heartbreak

It's 10:49, as I start typing this first blog of October. Right now, I'm one week from being 19. Is this a day I should be looking forward to? Yes. Is it exciting to think I'm growing older? I suppose so. Do I have reason to dread this day, however? Definitely... This will be the first birthday in over three years that I'll celebrate, completely alone. Figuratively speaking, I suppose. I mean, I'll be spending time with Kyle, I'll probably make brownies that night, and it won't be a bad night at all. I'll probably talk to him a bit and watch a movie, rather than playing games, and I do believe that, overall, I won't really complain... But I'm single. I've lost her, and, this 19th birthday will be the first one I'll celebrate, knowing full well that me and her aren't together anymore. Three long years. Three years that, frankly, are some of the only memories I have kept.

I've discussed in the past about my tendency to shed memories I have distaste for. Fragmenting. They're still there, I haven't completely rid myself of them. I just box them up, and put them in the attic, I suppose. Think of my mind as a massive hard drive, for example. Logically, I have to have one partition where the operating system is installed. This is me. This is how I run... However, rather than storing everything on one giant drive, I have set up numerous partitions, beyond even what a computer is capable of, I believe. Like how some people will have individual "drives" for music, pictures, video, or whatever else you feel appropriate, I have partitioned off parts of my memory in different sections. The memories I access frequently are going to be in a higher priority partition, that is always on. Memories I rely on, such as dates and events, names, faces, simple things like that. Whereas, older memories that I don't find as important, such as regular day to day events that have no impact on me, are stored in a smaller partition, which is seldom turned on. If you have an external drive, you know those files are always accessible. You just decide when you access them, by hooking up the drive and turning on the power. For me, my mind works the same. I have fragmented so many parts of my memory and personality into individual sections that, if I were to have a power failure -- i.e., a stroke, as unlikely as it is -- I do believe that I would probably lose a bit of my memory, maybe more than I might expect... But it does become difficult this way, as sometimes I forget where I've stored certain memories. I try to recall certain events, even if I don't know what I'm looking for, and they just aren't in my immediate reach. Sure, I could search for them, but think about it. How long does it honestly take you to do a "Ctrl+F" search function through several drives, filled with files, and find one specific file you're looking for? It's not worth the time, now, is it? This is how my mind works... It may not make sense to you, but, this is honestly, without a doubt, how my mind really works. I've grown used to it.

Let's go back to the topic I was discussing before my memory: my girlfriend, or now, ex-girlfriend. I really don't mean to boast or put anyone else down, but she has meant the world to me, for as long as I've known her. She was always so giggly and bouncy, but yet could be perfectly serious if she needed to. She was one of few people in this world who, when everything was going wrong for me, could make everything seem... okay. She didn't even know it most of the time. I used to be a complete asshole, and I really do hate the way I treated her, but... She would cheer me up constantly. I hated it. I loved it, but... I hated it because, at the time, I didn't want somebody like that in my life. I didn't want someone I felt I could depend on, someone who actually made me feel important. At that point in my life, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to feel useless. I can't explain it, I just... I didn't want anything. I knew something was wrong with me, I knew I hurt people, and I knew I wasn't going to be happy until I grew out of it... But yet, she persisted. She tried so hard to make me feel happy, despite how horribly I treated her, and she succeeded time and time again, much to my dismay. She was the only thing in my life that, for lack of a better cliché, lit up my otherwise pitch black world. Before her, nothing had any purpose to me at all. And now, after I've lost her... I feel like I've lost my purpose. Everything is exactly as it was before, and, I hate it. I really really hate it. I miss her so much, and I know I can't do a damn thing about it. I wish I could change. I feel like, just maybe, I'd be happier lying to myself and becoming someone I'm not just so I could be with her again, just so I could be happy with her and not end up messing things up again... But I know it won't happen. I know it's over. I'm sure that, most likely, she's probably given up on me. And I honestly don't blame her. I've never been there for her when I needed to be, and I've never been a good boyfriend. I never would have been. It's just who I am. I'm not good at making other people happy, or making them feel important. Andra did that for me, but... Our relationship really was one-sided. I would complain about that time after time, and yet people always assumed I meant that I was the one putting all the effort in. But in truth... I wasn't. I wanted to, I really did... But for some reason, I held back. Maybe out of fear. Or maybe I didn't know what to do, maybe I was confused... But the fact of the matter is, I was never there for her like she needed me to be. So, right now, I'm typing this, wholly expecting me to not even be in the back of her mind. She's probably happy for the most part, right now, playing her games and listening to her music. Probably bouncing around, maybe even dancing to her pop songs. Maybe watching a horror movie, munching on her panda-shaped cookies. I don't really know... But I know whatever she's doing, she's probably happy. And I guess, deep down... I'm okay with that. It hurts me to know that it's over, but... Maybe this really is for the best. She deserves more than me, so... Maybe this is the precursor to her finding someone worth her time.