Nightmare

I'm three days from being 19. I'm already staying here at my cousin's, and got to spend some time with him over the weekend. Played several games, including the new DLC on L4D, watched some movies, etcetera. Right now, he's with his girlfriend, which is good. That's extremely important for him, and I respect that, so he should have a good time for now. Admittedly though, it does make me a little upset. Not because he's gone, that'd be a little creepy. No, I don't mind that. I'm used to being alone at my house, so yeah. More that he gets to spend time with his girlfriend, and they're really close (distance-wise), and her mom has respect for him, that sort of thing. I mean, I'm happy for him... but it does piss me off. Why is it that somehow, I managed to fuck everything up in my own life? Me and him are very similar. That's why we get along so well. But yet his relationship situation is the complete -opposite- of mine. Something's wrong with that picture... I just can't figure out what it is.

Three days from now, I'll be 19. This day now has no significance for me, personally. I'm going to ignore it just as I'd ignore July 25th. I don't want to think about it. It's not an important day to me, as if I were to think about it, it'd simply make me upset. I don't want to deal with that. All that matters is that I have 7 more months to go... And I'm sure when those 7 months have passed, I'll have wasted my time for nothing. But I'd rather waste my time for her, than do nothing at all. At least it proves I'm dedicated and serious, at the very least. I don't want to guilt-trip her. But I'm not going to give up, just because of a single mistake. We made a promise. We might not even be anywhere close to married, but we made a vow. Forever, no less. And even if I end up alone for the rest of my life, I'll be damned if I turn my back on what I said. I will wait... And if she doesn't? That's her choice. At least I'll have tried.

I made brownies the other day. I didn't feel like waiting until my birthday, so I decided while Kyle was here, I'd make them. They didn't last very long. They were good though, I was impressed. A little undercooked, but whatever. With ice cream, they were delicious. As Kyle said, "yummy in my tummy". Ah, he's so random. But amusing. Can't argue with that...

I'm going to go play Burnout Paradise. I need distraction. I'd call it "entertainment", but I feel one of the qualifications for entertainment is that it has to be fun for more than 10 minutes.