I miss...

I've been reading archives, and occasionally posting the amusing excerpts on FB for friends to laugh at along with me. Things that didn't really have anything personal to them. I've learned from my mistakes of posting archives of personal conversations for everyone else to read. If they need to know, I'll just explain it to whoever asks in person without posting conversation.

Anyways. I'm going to give this blog a bit of a theme (following the title) for the first half, then rant on the second half. Here goes.


I miss when I had more innocence to myself. When I was naïve and things were simple. Drama was so pointless. Sure, I had drama, but it was over the smallest things and seems so insignificant now by comparison. It was easier being a kid.

I miss having numerous friends to talk to, and actually wanting to talk to them for that matter. Years back, I had Ryan, Casey, Clinton, Kyle, Patrick, Angie, Meagan, Mike, Jason, Ashley, Katrina, Brandi, Amy, Jocelyn, and so many other friends. Now, the only ones around anymore, who still talk to me, are Kyle, Clinton, and. ... well, that's honestly it out of all those I listed. Everyone else is either too busy with their own lives, or simply don't want to talk to me anymore. Which I really hate, because I honestly probably miss Ryan and Casey most. Followed closely by Meagan, Katrina, Mike, and Patrick... I hate feeling alone now, but by comparison to years before, I really am.

I miss having a stable relationship where things were simple but serious. Sure, I had a lot of issues when I was younger. Anger problems mostly. But I miss being in a relationship where I was able to talk to the person I was dating as both a friend and a girlfriend, know they were there for me and show I was there for them, but still had our own lives and did things we enjoyed even if the other wasn't part of it. I know me and her had our problems and got into a lot of fights. We were young and kinda stupid, myself especially. But despite all the fights, we were probably as stable as any relationship could have ever gotten.

I miss when I could afford to have luxuries. I know it's nothing really special, and you shouldn't rely on materialistic things to be happy. I don't. I could say I'm rather happy overall, because things really aren't all that bad. There are a few things that really do make me extremely upset, but I'm surviving. But it would be nice to have the money just to eat healthier, maybe save up money to travel, buy gifts for friends... Just feel like I have more worth than I do now. I can't really do anything right now.

I miss when my siblings lived closer. I mean, I guess 5 hours really isn't "close" by any means necessary, but I at least saw them once a year. I haven't seen them once since they moved, and I do miss them. I still talk to them online every now and then, but that's not the same. I suppose I'll get to see them eventually, but still. Distance blows.

And I know I already said this before in an indirect way, but I'll say it more direct. Most of all, I miss her. I know I'm still friends with her, and I'm happy with that because I still get to talk to her and make sure she's happy, and I do usually feel really happy talking to her even just as a friend. But it's sort of deceptive. It's a false happiness, in some ways. I'm happy talking to her, but I know I'm still upset, deep down, because I know she's not mine anymore. I don't like saying she "belongs" to someone else, that's a bad wording, but... She has someone else. And I don't hate him, I actually respect him somewhat. I don't know him that well though. Just what I've heard indirectly, which isn't enough to judge him. He sounds like a chill guy to me, maybe with some issues, but we all have issues, myself included. But I honestly am jealous of him. He has what I had decided I wanted most. And I can't do anything about it. I'm not the type to try to fight for what I want. I'm too respectful now to do that. Yes, I still love her, yes, I want her more than anything else in my life. But... It's not my choice. It's hers. I'm doing my thing, she's doing her thing, and that's how it should be. So, I guess I can't really complain. But it still hurts, you know?


I guess there's really not a ranting part of this blog. I sort of ended up ranting in that last part. That's how I've felt lately. I read archives from back in 2006 up to 2010, and... I really miss that part of my life. I made a lot of mistakes. I know that now. And I can say I want to go back and fix all those mistakes, but who's to say I'd know what I do now if I did? "Things happen for a reason." I know that. I really do. It's hard to accept, but it is true. But... What hurts is thinking that, after making all of those mistakes, I don't have a chance to prove I've changed. You know the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"? Each time I made a mistake, I tried to own up to it and change and prove I was better, only to make another mistake. So maybe that's why I don't deserve another chance. But I'm not just trying to prove I've changed to anyone else, but even to myself. I'm not doing this to get back what I've lost, I'm not doing it to make anyone else like me. I'm doing this for me. I'm trying to change to be a better person because I realized what matters most to me, and I realized how I acted in the past. I'm not going to "change" entirely, just fix the bad things. And I'm trying to prove to myself that it's working.

I suppose I'll end it here. I'll vent later when I'm done eating. Thanks for reading.~