Discovery

In the beginning of 2009, I was having trouble with my relationship with Andra already. We'd only been together for half a year in February, and in April roughly, I had started playing WoW on a private server to make some friends and have fun. At the time, my reasoning for spending so much time on it was that Andra put more focus on playing Perfect World anyway, so it was only fair for me to spend the time that she didn't talk to me during anyway to play a game myself. And so I did.

Within a couple weeks, I had already found friends in the GM's at the time. Kenny, Lexi (then known as Bailey), Dai, Luna, Nekura, and also one of the regular members, Kierstyn (knew her as Yoru at the time). I slowly became a known person as well, possibly due to my ability to spell properly and to use grammar correctly, such as proper punctuation and sentence structure. Over time, I grew to consider these people my friends.

Many things happened over the next year. Bailey got fired as a GM and vanished, Kenny got fired, I'm not sure if Dai simply quit or got fired as well, Yoru left and reappeared off and on constantly, and I began to stress out more. The people I had considered to be friends in one of the weakest times of my life all began to spread apart and vanish.

But on the bright side, despite Dai losing his GM status, he did stay around a little bit. Before long, he managed to drag me into a guild with Luna on the game, titled "Fat Kids Lag IRL". I ended up meeting Vaga and Azzie, two people who also became what I would consider important friends. Although many of the raids were broken on the server we were on, we still attempted many of them. One of them, Blackwing Lair, happened to be extremely broken. It was still remarkably fun, but when half of us (namely me, Dai, and I believe Vaga) were cursed with "Brood Affliction: Bronze", not having Hourglass Sand, it did become frustrating to have intermittent movement due to constantly being stunned. It was rather hilarious, but still annoying too. I do miss those times.

Eventually, things got out of hand though, and while I was happy Bailey came back later, tension started to rise due to a lot of drama going on in EpicWoW. I personally feel to blame for 90% of this drama because I could have kept my mouth shut about a lot of things to avoid it, but it's too late to turn back now, and what's done is done. I quit the server along with many other people, and 2010 began a year I had little to do it.

I played some of my old games like Perfect World, but it just didn't feel the same. I still kept in contact with many of the friends, and have every one of them (save for Kenny) added on my FB. They are still all friends that I would honestly die for. I don't mean that metaphorically either. I'm the selfless type of person to put only those I sincerely care about before myself, and if we were among the last people on earth due to an unforeseen natural disaster, and someone threatened to kill us, I would be the decoy to allow them all to escape. It sounds stupid, but I'm just giving a horrible movie-type example. They're all that important to me. Especially Dai, Lexi, Yoru, and Luna tbh. No offense to the rest of you, just being honest. xD

The end of 2010 got close, and things went wrong for me. This may take some detail to explain.

September came around, and I had grown tired of hearing about 9/11 constantly. I felt that, being 9 years later, people should give the conspiracy theories and constant complaining a rest already. I know the saying was "never forget", but some things need to be let go. No matter how severe a tragedy, death is a natural occurrence. Mass murder may be a crime, but those guilty died as well. The chaos that's resulted due to the war is more than enough, and the entire world's economy and status has become that of what I see as a pre-apocalyptic nightmare. Seeing the chaos that has happened in Iraq and Afghanistan, then the Georgia/Russia dispute, then the Irish economic crisis, the Haitian and Chilean earthquakes in 2010, the Japanese earthquake this year, the crimes and violence in Libya, the economic struggle all over the world (and especially hurting the USA, who no longer has a "middle class")... If you believed in apocalyptic theories, you'd say "the end is near". I'm sure all of this chaos has happened before, even at this same pace, we're just more aware of it these days due to the expanding growth of internet use and social media especially, but it's still quite terrifying. Moving on...

I posted a status on Facebook talking about 9/11 and how I was tired of hearing about it, and things got out of hand. Apparently my comments were taken offensively despite the fact I didn't intend them that way, and I ended up losing the relationship I'd maintained for over two years. I also had several friends block me in that instance too. I apologized for the way they took the comments, but admittedly it was a half-hearted apology for one reason. I didn't intend it disrespectfully, and I knew how I intended what I said to be interpreted. They had the choice of interpreting how they want, whether I liked it or not, and I cannot apologize for their decisions. If they found it offensive, that's their own choice. I didn't mean it that way, so I can't apologize for my own actions when I didn't do anything wrong. Nonetheless, I lost my relationship. That was what hurt most.

Over the next couple months, I wasn't able to talk to my ex-girlfriend at all. It oddly didn't bother me. I felt relaxed somehow, knowing that we weren't together. I was more stressed when we were together because we weren't talking, but I suppose the fact we weren't together made it more comfortable to not talk to her. I still missed her, but it was better than what it was admittedly. December came around and things got worse again, but let's not go into that.

I ended up meeting Tuija by sheer chance on MYB later. She simply asked me what my favorite three sites were I believe, and just started asking me one thing after another while we were talking. Eventually she messaged me so we could actually talk easier than the questions, and I found a new friend. Someone who actually seemed remotely interested in me, which was a rare occurrence at the time.

Within time, I added her on FB, something I only do for people I trust, and eventually hinted for her to text me. Before long, we were even actually talking on the phone. After 17 days, which was remarkably fast for comfort, I actually asked her out. She had claimed she'd fallen for me faster than anticipated, and while I did indeed like her personality, I admit it was a hasty decision to have decided to start a relationship so soon after meeting her. I wasn't sure if I simply felt lonely after what happened and wanted comfort or if I sincerely loved her at the time, but I decided to risk it on chance and let it play out. I never acted on impulse before so I wanted to do something new.

Things ended up working out remarkably well. Next few months were rather happy despite some tense moments on occasion. There was nothing I could complain about, and I ended up finding myself being far more optimistic than I had previously been. I considered that just maybe, things were looking up for me. Maybe after all the stress and hardships I'd endured, it was time for a reward. Maybe...

Initially I'd planned to wait until I could get an apartment, then she'd move in with me. But her parents decided to move back to New Hampshire. That initially felt like an arrow had struck through my heart and pierced it to the back of my chest cavity. It hurt. I thought everything was over then and there because it was too far. I didn't want to move that far away from my family and friends. I still had plans for college. I possibly had a job, or so I had thought... But I decided to wait it out and see if I could move up eventually.

Things changed again and I was offered a way to get up there in April. That plan fell through very early and I decided to find a way to try to move up with them in the beginning of March. The day I was supposed to move rolled around, and I met Tuija for the first time. It was a very stressing situation as we had both established that there was little chance of me actually being able to go. As much as I wanted to, there was just too many reasons it wasn't a good idea at the time, and after what's happened since, I know it wouldn't have worked out very well had I gone up with them at the time.

But that day proved something to me. Or, maybe I'm delusional still and simply want to believe this is how things turned out, but here's how I see it. Initially I wasn't sure if it was for comfort or sincere feelings, but I chose to impulsively go with whatever happened and be with her. But if it were just for comfort to avoid being alone, I would have honestly ended it after she moved. I couldn't do that again, I told myself I just can't do online relationships because they take too heavy a toll on me. But the day I met her, time stood still. It didn't really, but when I spent time with her, I didn't care about how much time passed by, I was completely engrossed by the moment. And when I had to walk away from the truck, knowing it would be a long time until I could see her again, I cried. I don't cry very often, it takes a lot for me to. But I had the most painful lump in my throat and I cried walking back to the car to go back home. I hated it. I still hate that part so much.

But if I didn't honestly love her, it wouldn't have meant anything to me. I would have constantly glanced at my watch to see how much time had passed, I would have been able to look at her effortlessly as if it didn't matter, and I would've calmly walked back to the car and asked about dinner. I know myself well enough to say this.

Now if I've simply convinced myself I love her for the sake of not being alone, I'll never know. But I do know this: I don't fall in love easily, at all. It takes a lot. And I only care to talk to people I trust and feel comfortable with. So I think even if I had chosen to love her just for the sake of returning her feelings so she wouldn't be sad and so that I had a new opportunity in life, that somewhere in my mind, there was a possibility of falling for her eventually anyway. Something about her personality clicked with mine enough that I was able to bring myself to be with her. It may have been hasty, but it was something that could have happened either way.

And I have to say, I'm happy. I have moments, but overall, I am definitely happy.