To start this blog off, let's point something out. I went from posting a blog almost 5 times a month in 2008, to maybe twice a month in 2009, to once or twice every couple months in 2010, to now only having posted one this entire year. This will fix that.
Things are getting interesting. I'm finding myself more optimistic than before, which is odd since I really don't know what I'm optimistic about. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm also feeling the effects of stress much heavier than before. I had fixed my schedule perfectly and was waking up every morning between 7-9 AM for a while. Now? I'm going to sleep around 4-5 AM, and waking up about 12-1 PM. I don't like it. I don't like how I keep shifting in the wrong direction and feeling like things are falling apart, even though I have no reason to feel that way... I know why, though.
I'm not like your typical average person. Most people strive for the future and set unrealistic goals for themselves. Then there are others who simply set reasonable goals that they can achieve, and are content with that. All of them focus forward though. I'm one of the few who can't. I live entirely for the present, because if I try to focus on the future, I'll either get anxious and impatient or worried and uncertain. Not to mention that when I lose focus on the present, I also end up drifting my eyes to the past, and feel uncomfortable because of all the losses I've experienced. No matter how my feelings stand at the current moment, I can still remember all the feelings I've experienced in the past due to various losses. Whether it's the death of a family member or friend, a good friend suddenly deciding they want nothing to do with me, a breakup, or even just missing certain memories that I can never experience again, they all hit me extremely hard.
Let's explain it in another way. I said I try to focus on the present. You could say that my emotions or feelings have a form of omniscience to them. In other words, I'm not simply affected by the present emotionally -- I don't feel a certain way due to present or past events, or in expectation of future events, based on that given day. I can feel all of my past emotions as well. Say I broke a toe on June 16th, 2002. I could feel pain that day, but a year later, not feel any pain but still look back and feel amused or shocked by the recollection of it. Now imagine feeling both simultaneously, despite being two very different time frames. This is how my emotion works.
Due to my method of coping with stress -- fragmenting certain parts of personality that I felt caused problems or needed to be ridden at the time -- each of these fragments has, in a sense, formed it's own unique entity. This isn't exactly 'multiple personalities'. None of these fragments are whole, nor are they entirely separate from me exactly.
Look at it like a puzzle. A single piece is it's own piece, unique to itself, separate from all the rest. However, it's not whole on it's own. It's just a piece. If you gather all of the many pieces and put them together, then you have a whole. Together, they form an entire image -- individually, they're only a part of that image, but still exist on their own as an individual piece.
My personality, and the many fragments I've "shed", are all pieces of a puzzle. My personality as it's intact currently is just many pieces, but admittedly not a whole anymore -- the other pieces are parts I've abandoned over the years to try to cope with various stressful situations and stay in a remotely stable situation. However, those pieces still exist. I couldn't get rid of them entirely, only lock them away. The problem with this is that because I separated them from my conscience as a whole, they're unique to themselves, essentially giving them their own consciousness and emotions. Each one, gotten rid of at a certain point and based on that time frame, feels it's own way about current and past situations, and this causes a major conflict of emotions. Several emotions from several fragments all at once.
So, currently, the reason I'm feeling so stressed out despite my optimism and excitement at the present and the potential of things to come, is because I'm also worried and fearful of the future as well, and long for the comfort and security of the past that I've since abandoned.
If only it were possible to reconstruct my personality, like it is to put a puzzle back together once you take it apart. Unfortunately, that's far more difficult to accomplish...
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