There's a common phrase a lot of people recite at the end of relationships: "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone". Only, it doesn't always mean what you initially would interpret. Your first thought on reading it would be thinking how much you screwed up and lost the most important thing in the world to you, but actually, that's not always the case. In it's simplest of forms, think of it this way. When a relationship is over, you feel upset, and by comparison, the past seems so much better. In that sense, you may realize that you took the present at that time for granted, but instinctively, you start dwelling on the past and how good it was and once again reject the present time, even though it might potentially have something in store for you without your knowing.
After the relationship ended, my initial feelings were of hurt and guilt, and of betrayal, distrust, and doubt. I wasn't sure how to feel altogether. There were too many things going on all at once and I wasn't really sure if it was just a really bad dream or if things had really taken a turn for the worse. Sure enough, I never have dreams that realistic... They always leave something that stands out, and I wake up realizing, "Yeah, that was pretty messed up, but it's obvious it wasn't real." Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. This was real. Not only had we broken up, but this time, it was serious. It wasn't just another break like we'd had before, we were through. She found someone else she loved more than me. And, oddly enough, I couldn't blame her. I didn't feel upset about that. I've explained that part already... But I didn't focus on the present. I focused on the past, like I always do. I looked back at all the good times and wished I still had them and tried to find what I did wrong, but the thing was... I realized something. Whatever she saw that I did wrong, I couldn't find. I'm not saying I'm oblivious to my own faults, I usually see them immediately. This was just the one-time case of an instance where I honestly don't think I did anything wrong. It was just meant to end, for some inexplicable reason. I felt even more upset by this because I couldn't get mad at myself and feel guilty for screwing up, because I didn't. I couldn't hate her and bitch her out because she didn't do anything wrong either. I didn't understand it...
Now, a little over a month after she found someone else, I'm actually happy and yet depressed at the same time. It took some time to realize, but that phrase I mentioned before really hits home. The memories of her aren't even what makes me upset. It's everyone else. All the friends that I had back then while I was with her, and how little I paid attention to every last one of them because I put her before everything. I got into a fight with my own brother over her, I chewed out my best friend over her, I dissociated myself with many other friends over her as well. I was immature and naïve, and put her above everything in my life. If I had been mature and smart, I would have done things differently. I would have created distance, even if I didn't have a job or school. I would have found a hobby or something to do every day so that I had a way to keep myself entertained and happy. I may have still spent time with friends and family, more so than I do now, but I still feel as though that was probably half-assed.
I look back now though, and see so few of those friends still around to talk. Most of them have moved on with their lives, and I don't necessarily feel abandoned, just... alone. I miss all of them. I can say that yeah, I do miss Ryan and Casey... but I miss Angie's randomness. I miss roleplaying as Church, along with Patrick, Mike, Meagan, Katrina, and everyone else (who were Doc, Caboose, Tex, and Tucker respectively)... I miss the hilarious presidential characters that me, Clinton, and Kyle had on JA:2. I miss Miura, whose actual name completely escapes me. I don't even know them that well, but I miss Izzy and Greed. I miss all of my other friends from JA:2. I don't know what happened to most of them, seeing as how the room is dead since Yahoo has disabled nicknames entirely.
I miss the times I could play games like Perfect World nonchalantly and not really care about much of anything. Andra got me into the game, and when we were first playing, we didn't really care about leveling up at all. We just wanted to play together because it made us feel closer to one another. Then she started growing up and grew distant and cared more about herself and played on her own, and presumably distracted herself by leveling up and questing more so that she didn't have to think about me. I'm just guessing...
I guess what I'm saying is, I miss being childish and naïve. I miss caring about the little things, even if I know I have to prioritize the bigger things now that I'm an adult (I'll be a quarter of the way to 20 on Friday). I wish I could go outside and play in the snow with friends, just like old times... I wish I'd actually gotten to meet her at least once, and who knows, maybe her family wouldn't hate me so much. But more than anything, I just wish I hadn't grown up so fast and tried to do more than I was meant to.
Now that I'm 19, and much more mature and responsible, I'm realizing things I had made myself oblivious to before. There are parts of myself that I've already gotten rid of and don't know how to recover, but some parts are coming back. I've done many things differently in the past month just to change up my life so it seemed recognizably different. I cleaned up my room completely, got a second monitor on my computer, rearranged my room and got a new bed, put a TV in my room which is now hooked up to an Xbox, started shaving (which I've since abandoned again), and I'm trying to start watching my sodium intake since I've started realizing I have isolated systolic hypertension (albeit undiagnosed, seeing as how I have no confirmed health insurance still). I think the changes of all this were to help myself to realize that, when I wake up every morning, it doesn't feel like it was all just a bad dream and I can try to fix things with her again. I used to do that a lot. Now, after changing everything so much, I feel like I don't really care either way. My life isn't just going to end. I'm still kicking. So what's the use in trying to fix anything? Nothing went wrong, if you look at it as optimistically as I am.
I remember complaining shortly after the incident about not having many awesome friends left anymore; ironically, on the 11th, I started talking to someone pretty damn amazing. She just popped up from nowhere and asked me a question on this website like many people do, but I was bored and decided I might as well. Few more questions pop in after several more hours, and we finally start talking via messages instead of questions. Little while later, I remember adding her on Facebook once I found out her actual name. Even later, I remember going to hang out with friends from Church, and subliminally hinted that she should text me via a status (I said that anyone who didn't have my phone number could find it on my profile; everyone by that point who could see my number on my profile, already had it anyway). Finally, on the 28th of December, I had made up my mind and actually asked her out. Now sure, it's only been 15 days so far, but I can say I'm actually very happy with my situation. I couldn't find anything to complain about -- except my neck, which is sore from sleeping wrong and being too rambunctious yesterday.
I've jokingly hinted at her moving in with me eventually, and I'm sure it's a possibility. I'll be honest and say I wouldn't just have her move in with me immediately; I definitely want to visit her a couple times just to hang out (even if we're dating), just to make sure that nothing could go wrong in person. I'm not assuming anything would, but it's always best to just be sure. You don't want to just invite someone to move in with you if you've never met them yet, y'know? Besides, I do need to save up money once I start working to get a car, and my own apartment. I'm sincerely hoping I can actually afford my own apartment by my 20th birthday. It would be nice, anyway. So we'll see.
Oh right, I forgot to mention. I applied at MicroCenter a while back, and finally got an interview on the 6th of December. Took the little pre-employment assessment test on the computer in the break room, then talked to manager a little bit before I got to meet with the warehouse manager, Wayne. He talked to me about what my job would be like, the shift he would have me working, and things I might want to go ahead and buy -- things like new shoes, black khaki's, and a jacket. The jacket would especially be useful seeing as how, working in warehouse, there's no heat. And since we just got hit with 6 inches worth of snow on Monday, subsequently followed by freezing conditions the next couple of days and the roads are iced over, it's safe to say that it's cold enough to need a jacket. A friend of mine (who's also a friend of the family) recently informed me that I pretty much have the job, but we're still waiting on the hiring manager to let me know when I'm supposed to actually come in and what my schedule is. I'm getting really anxious because, sure, I wasn't really excited about working a month ago after everything that happened. But now? Oh dear, I'm bouncy. I really want to start working, and I'm honestly more than excited because it's at MicroCenter of all places. I'm not overly excited like a child going to Disneyland or anything, just excited because hey, I finally have a job and get to do something most of the day, and make money for it. Also can help out my social life because even if most of the other employees at MicroCenter aren't people I get along with, I know I get along with Kinsey pretty well, and who knows, maybe she could introduce me to some people to be friends with. That would be awesome.
So, in closing? Life is good. I've learned how to take the downs from one month, and turn them all into ups. I used to say "I'm an pessimistic optimist; life sucks, but death doesn't seem like much of a party either." Now, I'm closer to an optimistic pessimist. Life's pretty damn amazing, and even if I got into a really bad car wreck and flew out the front windshield, at least I'd feel like Superman for a few seconds. ... I just need to buy a cape."
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