rant.

Time for a blog post. I'm listening to some ancient songs for me, songs from the early 00's, as I type this. Nostalgia is at an all-time high. I even added like ten songs (estimating) to my playlist from 2002.

I'm feeling unusually empty. Like something's missing. Something I had before. Something I should still have. But I lost it. I'm not sure where, I'm not sure how, and I'm not really even sure what it is. But it was there before, and now, it's not. All I know is that it's eating away at me, like a disease, and I don't know what I can do about it.

I remember spending time with friends. Last year, it was with video games. Years back, it was outside. I miss those days. I'd even be happy playing video games with friends if I actually enjoyed it. But I feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not, because, the truth is, I don't know who I am anymore. Not really. I used to, but... I've forgotten. Maybe that's what I lost. But I can't enjoy time with friends anymore. I miss going outside. I miss being able to handle 80's, even 90's in temperature without any problems, and enjoy summer with friends because they were always home. Then everyone graduated. Then they all moved away. And then... then, I was alone again.

I know they're not gone. But it feels like it. Maybe I'm running away in my own head, maybe I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of. But maybe.

No, I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I've never really cared for that word. It holds so many bad connotations with it. People use "depressed" as a catch-all for anyone who can't handle things, and assume that someone who's "depressed" isn't going to be the kind of person you want to be around, because they'll always bring you down. It's pretty much just the same thing as calling someone emo. It's just slanderous and rude. I don't like the word.

No, I'd say I'm just... empty. Numb. A little questioning, perhaps, about what I'm really supposed to do with myself right now. I'm 20. It's growing closer to 21. And I haven't done anything. I got my GED this year, so, that's some progress. But other than that? Nothing. No college, no job, nothing.

Have I changed? I suppose it's possible. Maybe I'm nicer, maybe I'm more respectful. Maybe I'm wiser. But what does wisdom mean? Not a lot, really. It just means I'm more aware of the reality of things. I know what's really going on in the world, I know what life is composed of. Does it mean I like what I know? Maybe not. But I'm not complaining. I just wouldn't call wisdom a gift. It's a curse.

When you're younger, optimism is easy. You don't understand anything. You don't have to. Your parents understand it for you, and you just have to listen to them. Do you? Not usually, but still. You have no reason to be upset, except that you didn't get the candy you wanted. Not because you lost something important to you that you might never get back. Not because you got into a fight with someone who mattered more than anything else to you. Not because of any of that. Just because of candy. Or bedtime. Or having to clean your room. Things were easy then.

Am I saying I wish I was a kid again? Sure, I suppose I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be 20. I feel like I'm finally maturing as a person and capable of considering myself to be a responsible adult. I like that. I do like having responsibilities, I do like knowing I've grown up and changed. But, that doesn't mean I wouldn't like being a kid again. It was easier.

I'm ranting.

I guess I'm just a little bit confused.

What am I confused about?

... You tell me.