Somebody help me change this animal I have become.

I've slowly realized a trait about myself that I hate. Actually, no; I've realized numerous traits about myself, over an extended period of time... And I hate all of them.

Yes, I can be the caring, selfless individual most of you know... But many people have seem the other side of me. The asshole; the selfish individual who cares only about his personal gain, and actually enjoys hurting others. Yes, there's a sadistic side to me... I keep it under control, but there's a problem with it. Suppressing emotions causes them to build up more and more. It's a major problem.

I'm very good at being a good person; I pride myself upon trying to be someone people should idolize, which is fascinating, because I actually idolize other people. But, I would much rather be a good person than a bad person; and that's something I try hard to accomplish, yet I know that somehow, I could still be a better person, and I hate knowing I have flaws and make such major mistakes...

I've hurt people in the past, I've betrayed people, I've lied. Even now, I still keep secrets, and I hate it. I made so many mistakes and made so many wrong decisions that I just can't take back, and I don't like who I was... I don't really like who I am, but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm not entirely a bad person; but I'm not a good person either... I'm just like everyone else. And that's not what I wanted to be, really... I wanted to be someone who was worth looking up to, especially by my kids, whenever that time comes. But I'm definitely not worth that... So, eh.

I have friends, sure; but something that a lot of people know, is that I tend to lose them. I've never really kept a friend who actually /cared/ about me, for more than maybe a year at most... Not one that I could be close with and feel comfortable with. I don't think I've actually ever had one like that, and I do honestly envy Andra because she's had a few who could be there for her, even she didn't see it...

I can honestly say though, that I've made a few friends, and they somewhat know the bad side to me... And, I hate who I am. I hate who I was, and I haven't really changed that much... Yet, part of me likes that. Part of me likes that I'm a twisted, sadistic, selfish person. I guess part of me is a conceited, self-absorbed heel (wrestling term for "bad guy"). Meh...

I wish I hadn't made so many decisions. I'd rather stall than have made the decisions I did... And I wish I didn't have so many regrets. I wish I could apologize, but... I can't. It's who I was; it's who I am. All the decisions I made, all the mistakes, all the regrets. I can't take them back, I can't apologize for them. They were my decisions, they were what I chose. I did it, and I wanted to... even if I regret it now.

I honestly confuse myself... Ugh. I hate this, really, I do.