Breathe.

I'm not the type who handles stress easily. I let the little things get to me; by ignoring them... Rather than facing my problems, I ran away, constantly. Every thing that ever had an affect on me, I ran away, avoided the problems, and thought I could cope that way. It didn't work. Because, the truth is, it all piled up on me anyway, and because it's far too late to cope with those problems by now, there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I have to hold all of these problems until the end of time, and I'm okay with that now. But that means that I'm really fragile; and more stress isn't going to make me stronger, but easier to break.

It's funny, in the time that's passed, I have changed quite a lot. But I haven't really changed at all. I am more mature, yeah. I act more confident in myself, and less pessimistic. Actually, I don't act less pessimistic; I just have more optimism than I used to. I am still a pessimist, but I'm an optimist as well... I hope for the best; I expect the worst. And that's not something I'll grow out of, it's just part of who I am. Just like my unhealthy obsession with my own hair. But, that's for another story...

I find myself constantly confused, asking myself what I want. As a quote on my MSN says: "And they asked me, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' Well it sure as hell wasn't this." I had expected that around the corner from 18, I would know. But... I don't. And, I mentioned that to Jon, and he said "You won't know until you're ready to." Pretty smart words of advice, being given to someone who usually has the advice for everyone else. I guess that's why I always looked up to my brother; people admired me for my words of advice, but Jon made me seem like I knew nothing at all. He makes it seem effortless...

Hell, one of the main things that's never changed about me while growing up? I've always strived to be just like him... Not exactly like him, but... As much like him as possible. I still joke around and say that me and him are like Matt and Jeff; and we've had our little feuds against each other, just like them. But, we're always brothers, and nothing's gonna change that.

Back to the topic; I still don't know what I want. I do, but I don't... I want this, but I want that. And I don't know what I want more, because, honestly, I think I'm too young to decide for sure. My mind tells me one thing (sometimes more than one), my heart tells me another, instinct tells me to do this, reason tells me to do that, and... It really does cause problems. I vaguely know what's most important to me, and it always will be; but, instinct tells me that I'll lose that. My heart tells me I shouldn't care whether or not I have the ability to lose it, but cherish it as much as possible... And I do. But I still fear it's possible, because it is, and, as much as I don't want it to happen, I do have plans in case it does... Even if simple plans just to keep me alive, y'know?

I apologize for not posting a blog in several weeks, and having only posted 3 in February. That month really was a rough time for everyone in the family; moreso for my brother, which relapsed on to me in the form of fear and worry for him. He's okay now, which really does comfort me, and I'm happy to have gotten to talk to him seriously for once. I really needed that, because somehow, him being happy, really does make it a lot easier for me. I think that's part of my stress, is that I'm not happy until everyone else around me is happy. And, the only difficult part was Jon. >/ Nojk, I'm kidding. ♥ You know I love you. 8D LOL; okay, back on topic.

I don't really have much else to say right now; but I know I will soon... I have a lot of things to say, I just don't know how to word it, or understand how to explain it. So, I'll do that another time...