Here's a fun fact. Ever tried to imagine your future, but had something blocking your imagination entirely? As though you weren't meant to imagine your future; maybe you don't have one... Or a feeling like nothing's going to change, you're going to live the same exact way you're living right this minute.
Try imagining something you want, then think about what it would be like to have it. I can't do that. I can't imagine having something, because I feel like I never will. It's an odd feeling, a sense of emptiness. I don't mean imagine physical or material possessions, something that would be important to you. Having a career in the job you want, creating your own artwork, being in your own band, something like that... I don't see it in my future. I don't even see a future.
Let's go deeper, shall we?
Ever tried to decide what you want to do with your life? It's a tough decision, and it takes a lot of knowing and questioning yourself and what you really enjoy most, what you'd like most for yourself. And it does take some time, and serious commitment. And I know what I like most, but at the same time, I can't make a solid decision. I don't like deciding on something and changing my mind, so I back out from it. And I can't imagine a future if I don't know what it'll be. Hence my "Alternate Endings" blog...
My favorite hobby is just to sit around and play music. Via guitar, bass, piano, it doesn't matter to me, so long as it's music. Second to that, listening and singing along to music. And behind that, a very unusual thing. Cards... I enjoy shuffling a deck of cards and sorting them in unusual ways, picking out a certain card and seeing what order I can deal out the cards in, almost like a story. It's as if I'm trying to figure out what's going to happen, via an ordinary deck of cards... Almost as though I'm attempting to read my own mind...
I've attempted to settle things in my mind, and it doesn't work. Decisions are not something that I can make easily, I usually just have other people make them for me. I've lived that style for years now, and sure, it's not the best way to go about living, but it had worked for me very well thus far. But I've noticed it's breaking me apart, and I have to try to live my own life, and I just don't know how to do it really... It's a tough switch, trying to go from living a life where you just do what other people want you to, to living out what -you- want... Not working out so well.
And my main issue, any decision I make, results in a reward and a consequence at the same time. There is no "good choice/bad choice". So, I have to adapt to the fact that not everyone is okay with my decisions, and I hate it. I want everyone to be happy, and I continually say "I'm sorry" for doing something that I really meant to do, but didn't mean to hurt someone by it... And now I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't say sorry at all.
I feel like maybe I'll live better if I don't care about anyone else anymore. All I did was spend my days caring about other people excessively, and if I did something wrong, and made them feel bad, I beat myself up for it. I'm wondering if maybe I stop caring, and just let whatever happens, happen, then perhaps I'll survive easier. Any decisions I make, if anyone else is hurt by it, that's their problem. I don't let anyone else take my words out of context, because even if they do, they and I both know damn well it wasn't what I was saying, and I don't care what they word out of it. The fact of the matter is that now, my life is run how I determine it to be... And really, I could care less if other people are hurt now... I'm focused on myself, for once... Or at least, I'm going to try to be.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions... When I tried to be nice to everyone else, and cared little about myself, I just made everything fall apart. Maybe if I just focus on myself, I'll get to a true sense of happiness... Doesn't mean ignore everyone else, just means focus more on myself than on others...
It's worth a try, after all...
It's been a while since I could hold my head up high...
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