You know what? Stealing, and altering, a song line: "It's 3 a.m. and I must be lonely"... It's nearly 9 a.m., and I'm in a pissed off ranting mood. Don't ask what I'm pissed off about, I just am, and it's rather amusing.
I could rant about what I'm pissed off about, but I'd just make a fool of myself...
You know what? I'll just give a hint: Relationships make me laugh.
I've looked back at all of them and they've all done the same, except one. I'll leave her out of this, because mind you, I'm not mad at her. But every single past relationship, I can laugh at, because you know what? I'm not hurt... I have my own way of doing things, and if things don't go as I intend them to, then screw it, I don't care anyway. I move on, and I find better things to worry about. I have more to my life than a failed relationship.
It's a funny story. I used to let myself get hurt all the time, and I'd staple my heart back together, encase it in iron so it wouldn't fall apart, then run into a lightning storm and expect not to be electrocuted... And every time, I'd just get hurt again.
Well, this 'funny story' is changing. I'm not being a comic anymore, but I'm not being pathetic. I'm ignoring whatever happened before, because I don't care anymore. All the hurt that happened before, it was just a scratch... My heart's still beating, and you know what, I'll keep it that way. Physically, mentally, emotionally, NOTHING will stand in my way anymore.
I'm being whoever the fuck I want to be, and doing whatever I want to... And that's how it's going to be.
If you don't like who I'm becoming... Tough shit.
Cameron was right... As was Michael.
The only way to run your life is to run it yourself.
Michael managed to stay locked up on his own, and while a few people knew he was there, he wouldn't let anyone close to him... He survived entirely on his own, and didn't rely on getting other people's trust. He just did whatever he could to be what -he- wanted to be, not what others expected him to be... And he's perfect.
And Cameron. Cameron didn't even let anyone know he existed at all. He just stayed in the shadows and watched as things unfolded. It didn't even interest him. He just watched, and didn't get involved... It was like a television show to him, nothing mattered except the amusement he got from watching everything happen, and for him, that was enough...
Michael's advice for me... He just told me, "Don't rely on others to make you happy. Get your own happiness. It's a much better feeling than what others give you."
And as for Cameron's? He didn't even say anything to me for weeks, he just watched me. And when he did say something, he just laughed and said "Useless"... He wasn't talking about me, he was just talking about my effort to change other people around me. He explained to me later. I was stupid, I thought maybe if I helped other people around me and was nice to them, that they'd change, and be nice and caring to me as well, and maybe I'd be happy. "Useless"...
Well now, I'm taking Cameron and Michael's advice... I'm living my own life now.
Sorry to say it, but if you liked the old me. Old me's gone.
Just thought I'd say "Goodbye", in a manner of speaking.
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