I'm sitting here at my computer, formerly staring at the screensaver of my laptop, finding images in the Mystify screensaver that I would have never seen before, had I not been so lost in thought I honestly wasn't even looking at the screen in the first place. It's 6:21 AM at this very second I'm typing, and I'm not at all phased by exhaustion in any way. I feel as though I'm unable to sleep... No, I'm unwilling to sleep. And, everything is so far off to me, I don't honestly know what's going on right this second. I don't honestly care. Suddenly things have come to a standstill, nothing is moving. There is nothing to be anxious for in the future, and nothing to regret in the past. Everything is as it is today; unimportant.
Yet, something tells me I'm wrong. There is something to be anxious for, there is something to regret in the past. But there's no sense in dwelling on any of that. But my mindset will change in due time, I know it will. I don't have the memory to stay care-free and know why I choose that lifestyle, something has to encourage me. It's like my sleeping schedule. Unless I have something motivating me to sleep on a regular basis, waking up at a set time every day -- for instance, a job -- I won't have the courage to do it. I'll lose the schedule because it has no purpose otherwise.
Temporarily off-topic, I was reading the Wikipedia article for the semi-colon, trying to understand it's purpose.
I found my name on it. I didn't edit it, I swear. I was amazed to see it, and strangely amused. What are the odds, eh?
Back on topic.
Things have gotten unusual lately. Andra and I are both a lot more open with each other, and more relaxed suddenly after our last fight; we're also more distant though, more... worried, I supposed. I want to make her happy, but there's an old saying: "Before you can help others, you have to first help yourself." And if making her happy, makes me upset... I can't do it. I just can't. I'm not capable of being that selfless. She means the world to me, and I'll never leave her. But it gets more complicated than that. Seeing her upset, makes me upset too. There are instances I can make her happy without having to do something I don't want to, it's actually very common. Most of the time we get along wonderfully, and I've not a care in the world -- as if she ever does -- and things go along smoothly. But if there's one thing that she wants me to do for her, and I simply refuse not to, it'll make her upset. And I don't want her to be upset, but I can't sacrifice my own opinions and choices to make her happy, because I'll still be upset in the end anyway. I hate that. I can't make choices, because I refuse to make her upset, and both choices I make, somehow upset her. I can't just run away; no, I'm not a coward. I wish I understood her well enough to make her happy all the time. But, like my brother said... I'm not superman. I'm not meant to be capable of things that others aren't. I'm not Jasper, I can't control people's emotions. I'm not even Edward, I can't read her mind to know what she wants. Then again, I seem to read other people just fine. Maybe I am Edward, and she's just my Bella. If I could read her mind, I wouldn't understand a word of it. It's probably more confusing than what I can grasp coming from between her lips. Not a word of that makes sense half the time, but I've never felt more alive when I heard -- actually, read; it was on IM -- her tell me "I love you", before I told her.
I feel like crying, just typing it. Not tears of sorrow, but not really tears of joy... It's half-way between both of those. And I've never been so confused.
I felt like I broke her heart, spending the night at my friend's house last weekend. She'd made plans to spend all weekend with me, Ryan, and Casey, on PW. And I couldn't... No, I could, but I chose not to. Simply because I refused to abandon my friends... And I felt sick. My stomach churned because I did that to her, I hurt her. And I'll probably do it again, because Bernabe's going to show up this weekend, and we're having a system link party again. He didn't show last weekend when I was there, so now I get to actually see him too. And, I don't want to hurt her again... but I can't live just one life. I have to have everything in my life... especially since I'm trying to move up there to live with her, and once I do, I'll never see my friends again. I don't think she understands, honestly, but... I don't expect her to. I should be able to explain it. But I can't, I'm not that good with words.
One week from tomorrow (since it's now 6:38 AM), I'll be leaving to go to Florida to actually spend Christmas with my brother, sister, and grandmother. And yet again, I feel like crying because of this. I miss them, so much. I haven't even talked to my brother online in a long time, and I haven't been trying to avoid him. I'm just scared... Scared of things I don't understand. These past two years have been a nightmare to me, because everything has fallen apart. Things aren't financially stable now, but they were before. We managed easier than we do now, but that wasn't what mattered. After my grandfather died, my family has fallen apart, to me. After my little coming-out thing, everyone slightly became distant. I'm afraid to be myself. Not as if who I am is weird or obscene or anything... just because I forget who I was anymore, and everything has become a blur. I'm strangely afraid to hug my own brother, because I get the weirdest feeling he'll push me away or something. One of the times we offered for him to come up to live with us, he ended up crying, and my mom hugged him... I couldn't cry. I couldn't hug him too. I felt like I should cry, I thought I was going to. But my eyes were as dry as the desert. It was like I was trying to cry, but... something wouldn't let me. I didn't know how... I was too scared. We never show our emotions to each other anymore, and I hate it. I'm honestly so distant because of that. I want to know when my family is upset, I want them to know when I am... But I want it to be, because we care about each other. That's what should matter, isn't it? Christmas means so much to me this year now, because I get to be with them. I couldn't be with them last year, and I got gifts, even though not a lot. But this year, means more to me than last year. I could care less if I didn't get anything, and was only there on Christmas day... Being with them is enough for me.
My eyes are watering right now, I can barely see the screen... And again, it's both sorrow and joy.
There is something to be anxious for. But I'm patient...
I'll let the pieces fall where they may. I think things will turn out okay... I have faith.
I believe.
I love all of you guys; My friends, my family, and yes, Andra too. And, even though I'm 9 days early... Have a Merry Christmas, everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment