Lately, I've been getting sick and tired of living. It's kinda sad, I know, and I probably sound emo or some shit. I don't really care. I'm just really tired of how much worse things are getting, every single day. Andra's all that's worth living for, and sometimes I wonder if she even cares if I live. I know she does, but damn, I make one mistake and I lose her even more. Everyone makes mistakes, but I must make a lot of them. Oh well, I'm starting not to even care if I fuck up. If I lose her, I lose my life. Simple as that. Only two outcomes possible, might as well embrace it.
Lately the only friend I've talked to at all is Tristan. And to be honest, I've been getting just a little bit irritated at him. Ugh. He called me on the phone at 10:30 at night when I was playing a game with Andra, which resulted in both of us dying, and she ended up dying again [despite the fact I TOLD her I was on the phone, and couldn't do anything, she decided to fight something she couldn't beat anyway, and got pissed at me when I didn't heal her]... But he called before that and was talking about how his day was so horrible, and started talking about school. ... Yeah, school is really horrible, because you have difficult schoolwork to do. No offense, but my life's so fucked up that I wouldn't even CARE how difficult my schoolwork was if I had any. My mind is so fragmented lately that I don't even know what my opinion is anymore. I don't know what makes me happy... Everything that makes me happy, makes me upset. Everything. So, sorry about your troubles at school, but I'm having some major troubles with life.
One of my pet peeves, that I get from my mom, is I hate it when people start talking about suicide. "I hate my life", or "I'm going to kill myself", or "I should just die"... Shit like that. Like my mom said, if you're going to kill yourself, you're not going to say it, you're just going to do it. If you say you're going to, that means you want someone else to talk you out of it. So just say that. Say: "I really need some help right now, I'm really stressed out" or something like that. Don't say "I'm going to kill myself". And don't ever talk about it as a joke to me, /never/ joke about suicide, because that just presses a button that really pisses me off. I'm capable of staying calm and not acknowledging it, but God help me, it /seriously/ pisses me off...
I had to ask Andra several questions out of randomness, and questioned: "If you had to measure it on a scale of 1-10, how much do you love me?" She said 8. She suggested a scale of 100, and I said my love for her would be 110... Simply because, I have nothing else as important to me, than her. My family is so broken and scattered, my friends are distant and not really there for me in the ways I need them most, or, what few friends I have anyway. My mom's always there, but I can't burden her by talking about my problems when they're so insignificant to her. She has more problems to deal with... All of my hopes and dreams rely on Andra, entirely. My future, my career, my goals of having a family to raise and cherish... All of it relies on Andra, because I refuse to find anyone else, even if I were capable... Andra said her love for me would be an 89 on a scale of 100, because the fighting makes her love me less. I'll acknowledge, yes, we fight. But when I say something, she fights back, and it's not necessarily in a respectful way. We both get cold and bitter towards each other in fights. The thing is? I could care less. I still love her the same. Some stupid little fight over a game or something, won't make me love her any less. She's still the most important person to me ever, and NOTHING will change that... So that kinda hurt. But oh well: Once I find the bridge, I'll get over it.
I fixed my schedule. I plan on cleaning my room and moving things around. I figure maybe a change in daily life will make me happier. I'm not counting on it.
If I had a hobby, maybe I'd be happy. Or a job. ... Right. Not going to happen, I forgot I live in the USA: United States of Apocalypse. Oh well, maybe the economy will get better... in a few decades.
I tried a sandwich from Subway the other night. It was something I knew Andra would like, so I decided to test my tastes. Turns out it was actually really good. I was shocked. I still have half of it in the fridge, I may eat it later today.
I've started playing a new game, other than WoW. My 10-day trial expired, and yet again, I only played for 3 days. Whatever... The new game is called Perfect World. It's pretty fun, but the only reason I play it is because of Andra. She wanted me to install it, and the only time I really ever play is when she's playing. It would be boring as hell without her... just like Runescape always is for me; Hence why I never play it. ... Or Gaia. Hell, without her, I never find anything entertaining on the computer. Yeah yeah, say it: "Whipped". No, more like unintentionally obsessed to the point where my life is a little asteroid orbiting her planet, and unfortunately, I just can't break free of the gravitational pull, even if I wanted to. Fun way to survive. You should try it one day.
Relationships are stressing. I wouldn't give mine up, but God, is it stressing... I know, people told me that in the past, and I should've listened. But even if I did, I'd still end up here today, stressed out, but still in love with Andra as much as possible. And it's no cute little puppy love. I'm 17, though I act 20, and Andra may be 15, but she sure as hell acts at least 19. A mature 19 year old at that, not some college party kid [I say kid, because even if you're 19, if you're immature and throwing parties and shit, you're still a kid]... Ugh. I thought maybe the older you got, the more you'd settle down and such. That is the case to an extent, we do settle down and are more mature... But I'll be damned if things aren't as chaotic and stressing as they were when we were younger. Same amount of fights for the same stupid reasons, and neither of us will admit when we're wrong. Truth is, we're both wrong. I can't make this relationship work alone, and neither can she. But we never seem to work together on it... I wonder if it'll even last. I hope so, I really fuckin' hope so.
I need a psychologist appointment desperately. I have so many things I /need/ to talk to him about. Truth be told, when I was growing up, yeah, I had many often visits to the psychologist, but I never really said much. I kept it all secret. I don't know why. I answered his questions, and played games, but I don't think he ever got very much out of me. I can't honestly remember anymore... But for once, I want to go and talk. No games, just, asking questions, getting answers and advice. Maybe he'll help me to understand myself... All I know is, I need one soon. Within the week, would be rather nice.
I don't have much else to talk about. So I'm going to end it here. Au revoir~
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