I told Andra something I was talking to myself about when I was walking home from Tristan's house. I was rather irritated with myself, and somewhat upset, and I started looking up at the sky. I saw a plane, and since I was thinking about Andra as it was, I started talking to myself:
I wonder. Is that plane going to her house...? It probably isn't. To think, that plane is so high up in the air. Thousands of feet... And yet, it seems so close. It looks like a toy... And just imagine, to everyone on that plane, I surely don't even exist. I'm just a small little person in this massively oversized world, without even a purpose. I'm just living here, worthlessly, in some place of noone's choosing. I just happened to end up here, and there's no reason. There's never a reason. And the question everyone always ends up asking themselves, is 'Why?'. No one knows the answer, we just always ask anyway, mindlessly. I just happened to end up here, which is so far away from where she ended up. Is there a reason we met? No. Is there a reason we haven't gotten any closer to one-another? No. Is there even a reason we love each other? Probably not... But the latter, we chose. I may never even meet her, for all I know. We're miles away now, and we may still be miles away for many many years. But that doesn't concern me... I'll still keep trying until there are less miles and miles between us. There is no fate, there is destiny. There's nothing really holding us together. But yet, we still choose to try anyway. I know full well the consequences of failure, but I don't bother imagining 'What if it doesn't work?', I'm too concerned with the possibilities that would ensue if it does work. But yet, why is it that we're so far? Why is it that, despite everything we feel for each other, it's held back by something as miniscule -- on a mental level -- as distance? Why do all these movies, books, and TV shows display how people are able to easily get past distance like it's nothing, spending money freely for travel fare or even displaying superhuman capabilities to shorten the distance? I know, they're fictional; But why give people such false hopes and imageries, with ideals that maybe things really are that easy, when they're /never/ that easy? But then again, in movies, you get everything you want like it's candy. It doesn't matter who or what you are in television and books, everything goes your way. And that's obviously unfeasible. Let's say your friend tells you of a new delicacy he heard of, and explains it to you, with pictures and such. Say that, in your eyes, it's a very rare delicacy that you've never seen the likes of before. A brand new, deliciously delectable taste, with an almost intoxicating aroma to taunt your senses. The description of which, enough to drive you mad with hunger and cravings to have that meal. Now, say that meal is one of a kind; There is only one in existence, and even if you were to find it, what if it wasn't made for you? That taste, the smell, just the thought of it enough to drive you mad, primal instincts flaring to take that delicacy for yourself, without caring how greedy and selfish it is. Would you be able to pretend you had never heard of it, and try to please your appetite with weaker things you already know are good, while still returning subconsciously to remember the taste you can only imagine? Would you ignore it, trying to avoid thinking about it at all, despite the fact it continues to taunt you hour after hour, just waiting for you to succumb to your desires and chase after it? Could you manage to control yourself, retaining sanity when you don't know even how to get to where that delicacy might even be in the first place? It's odd, comparing Andra to food; But she's my type of delicacy. One that I constantly suffer, day in and day out, from being away from for so long. I practically hurt, just waiting until there's even a possibility of being with her, and sometimes I do doubt the possibility. It's not as though it's easy, trying to resist temptation that you can't appease. It's heartwrenching, and nearly mentally incapacitating. You could almost succumb to insanity trying to deal with it, because like an addiction, you have withdrawals. Is it possible to be addicted to something you've never had...? I would assume so. But I seem to be losing more and more function from this unsatisfied addiction. Even if I could be next to her, even if the simple touch of her skin, the smell of her breath was within reach, I could cope. But without even being able to see her, eye to eye, it's so hard to breathe almost. I survive, physically, but I'm beyond attached. I'm not exactly 'obsessed', just... Deeply in love with someone who's too /far/ for comfort...
And what hurts even worse is, when fights still occur between the two. I keep trying to straighten things out, but things haven't changed. I still act the same, I'm just older. And the fights are still over the same stupid things, including video games. I almost think I should refuse downloading another game for her, because we've gotten into fights over every single one thus far. But I'd do it again anyway, simply because I enjoy making her happy, and generally, that's what ensues from me playing a game with her. I love playing games alongside her when we're both having fun, it's something I could stay up every night for, even if I had work in the morning, I wouldn't care. I could go to work, sleepless, every day in a week, to make her happy. But we still have the same quarrels over the same stupid things... And it's making our relationship so stressing. We keep growing more and more distant, and I worry that she'll leave me, and I don't doubt she worries I'll leave her. I have no intention to, nor will I ever, plan on leaving her. I won't even do it without plans. I prefer to stay with her the rest of my life, no matter what. I just want things to be better than they are now, and sometimes I don't think that will ever happen. I just don't know what to do except keep trying; So that's what I'll do.
I'll just keep trying, until I succeed...
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