Poetic injustice / The tears we've shed

Back when I was younger, mostly throughout '05, '06, and even early '07, I was a writer. I would constantly write various forms of writing. Forms such as poetry, prose, story, song, whatever. And And I did this frequently, not just on occasion. I would wrote poem after poem after poem to escape reality and draw my depression away. Yet I realized it only drug me deeper and deeper into that hole... And yet somehow, while I felt nothing back then, I didn't feel miserable. I just felt /nothing/, plain and simple. I wouldn't be happy, I wouldn't accept anyone's attention or care, I was a complete loner. And somehow, the emptiness I felt then, I actually miss it now. I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm starting to feel more and more depressed, or maybe I'm just so nostalgic that I want to relive the past, but I know I can't, so I feel like doing the closest thing... But I get the feeling that I know if I end up doing this, I'll hurt those around me again, just like I had before. Why do I endure such decisions? I honestly will never know...

My brother is probably the one who could dead on understand my feelings right now, but couldn't give me advice as to how to get past it, because I get the strangest idea that he can't get past it either. It's something the whole family endures at some point in time, I'm sure, but I really wish I wouldn't. I guess all in all, I want to live this life, and that life, and essentially, I want everything; But it doesn't work that way, I can't have everything. So I live with what I have, wishing for more, but knowing it can't happen.

When you have conflicting choices, things tend to get a little out of hand. You want to do this, but you also want to do that. Now try imagining that from the perspective of someone who seldomly makes their own choices, but prefers to please everybody and do what other people want them to, hoping they'll like them more. You want to do this, and that, and what everyone else wants, and most of the time, everyone else has conflicting choices between them as well. What do you do? You avoid making a decision at all, because you don't want to disappoint anyone... You're just in a fucked up little maze; Try to find the exit, you silly little mouse.

I feel like trying my hand at some poetry; Although I want to play some music, my guitar is fucked up for good now, and my piano just isn't really what I'm after... I wish I knew the right synths to make an 8-Bit song on FL Studio. I'll look that up now actually. Brief pause in blog. Maybe the end to it, if I forget...