I'm wondering if everyone was right all along. Maybe I am too young for a serious relationship, for attempting to plan out my future. It doesn't matter how mature I may or may not be; I guess I'm just too young, by literal age. Experience, and such...
I remember when everything was perfect for me. When I could appreciate the little things and be okay with "normal"... Lately I've become more of a socio-anarchist and disliked these "normal" things. Everything that everyone agrees with and believes is appropriate for society today, I can't stand. If I was an extremist on my standpoints, I'd probably be viewed as someone who believed in the same ideals as Hitler or Marx, which is strangely amusing to me. I just find society today as pathetic, in every possible way. That which formerly interested me, finds no appreciation from me now. Everything that most everyone enjoys, I don't.
I miss the days of old; whether or not I'm really of age to be saying that doesn't matter. I miss the 90's. When I was younger and everything was much simpler. Yes, I do like how in this day and age, we have things like the internet to converse with people, to entertain ourselves, and keep everyone up to date with what's going on; But at the same time, we've started putting electronics in first priority to where without internet, 90% of us wouldn't survive. Without internet, television, and/or video games, most of us wouldn't be entertained. We would complain about how we have nothing good to do, and covet everyone else's possessions. Whereas, myself, being unaffected by video games or television, could actually survive, -- and even be entertained, -- by simply playing card games, reading a book, or something simple as that. It wouldn't phase me in the least. The only reason I find internet a necessity for me is because I've put myself in the standpoint that everyone whom is important to me is online, and everything I do relies on internet as well, my hobbies, my job (so to speak; whether or not I get paid for it doesn't matter to me)...
And when the teenagers of today are really picky about relationships and require a specific look, specific personality, certain clothes, certain taste in music, etc., it gets ridiculous. A lot of girls these days require a guy who is either emo, or muscular to some extent; Tattoos and piercings are optional, but usually preferred. And on that note, you either have to play a sport, or an instrument. If you can do neither, you're ignored. If you have a good personality, you also have to have good looks. You have to like all these certain things that they like, and you have to always agree with them... But it doesn't just apply to girls; Guys look at girls who have to have a /specific/ body type, a specific personality, certain hair, eyes, and just as many damn things as girls look for in guys... And honestly? I find it really damn pathetic.
Sure, I'm a little bit picky about my selection, but not to that degree. My preference only really comes down to one thing; I want to be with someone who's down to earth... Not someone who's far off in their own little world that doesn't involve you at all. That kind of thing makes me feel even more alone than I am when I'm single; Because, I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't even act like I exist. That shit can hurt. I want someone who I could sit down with, no music, no television, just sitting down facing each other, talking about random stuff. Hell, playing some board game or card game, such as Uno or something random and simple like that would even be okay, so long as a conversation was involved as well. In fact, that kind of thing appeals to me more than anything. I'd adore a life like that, and I know I'm probably a bit far off to ever obtain something as great as that, because dreams really don't come true to that degree. But I'd much more appreciate something like that than just being with someone to be with them...
Lately, I've wondered exactly what I'll accomplish. I look at my career path, and honestly, it's a bit flawed. I'm good with computers, so I could be a computer technician; But what would I really enjoy out of that? I'd just do it because I'm good at it and could get paid for it, not because I enjoy it... Whereas, I'm extremely interested in the topic of music, and hope to go to Juilliard. But I really don't know how that could get me into a good career that I would be able to survive off of without traveling everywhere as a musician for orchestras, which really isn't my thing... The more and more I look, there's really nothing that I'm going to succeed in and actually enjoy. And the problem with it is that while I really do want to be a musician, my main aim for actually getting into Juilliard is to become a renowned pianist, or any type of musician really, and be able to play the music for my girlfriend to sing to, because I believe that would be really amazing in my eyes. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if she even wants anything I want, or if she's just completely solo, and I'm just here to be here, because I have nowhere else to go... And I already have my planned career if I'm not with her, and I know several people, -- friends and family both, and even those who hardly talk to me, -- will be unapproving of it to an extent. They won't stop me, but they won't really be happy with it. If I end up single again, and lose her for good, I've already decided that if I'm 18+ by that point, I'm enlisting in the Marines like I formerly planned. And at that point, there won't be any more takebacks. So at least there's one career path that, lately, looks like it will work out for me... Unless I die on the battlefield; In which case, all's well that ends well.
I'm starting to go it solo myself again. I was relying on friends and family to keep me calm and collective, and actually be appreciated and felt like I had a purpose here. Lately, that's started to kinda fall apart.
I feel like a burden to my mom, though I know she'll say I'm not; She's unemployed, and trying to pay bills and take care of me and her at the same time. And I know, even though I really don't try to, I end up costing a lot of money for food. I got food from Taco Bell just a few days ago, just for me, and it cost her a whopping $12 just for me. Which is nothing, because groceries themselves can cost up to $40 or so for 3 days worth of food for me. And the problem is, it's actually not even that I get a lot of food or anything; It's that I'm unfortunately picky and can only get by off of certain foods. The basics like PB&J sandwiches don't appeal to me, they actually make me hungrier after I eat them. I can get by off of cup ramen to an extent, but I need variety. I usually survive off of Lunchables, a box of cereal, a few microwavable TV dinners, things like that. I suppose I'm already prepared for college in that note... But unfortunately all of that really only gets me by so much. I actually eat maybe 3-4 meals a week, with the exception of the few times we go out to eat, in which I never finish my whole meal because I lose my appetite half-way through. I'm becoming more and more of a burden to her because I'm costing her money that lately has started becoming a waste, especially with take-out food...
And my friends lately have started becoming more and more distant and seemingly irritated by me; Both online and off. Those whom I used to count on more than anything have started trying to avoid me. Tristan seems to be pissed off at me lately, Clinton is avoiding me, ×Kyle doesn't have internet access... Hell, my girlfriend is completely distant and seldomly talks to me except about Youtube, Tokio Hotel, or something along those lines. Usually topics which don't appeal to me in any way, shape, or form... But I seldomly complain about it because I prefer to be polite and let her be herself. I just usually let her do what she wants, and make no objection whatsoever, nor put my own word in really. I care more about her than myself, but it doesn't mean I'm happy necessarily.
So lately, as I've said, I've started going solo. Relying on myself for entertainment and appreciation. As mentioned in my last blog; When I was a kid, I would actually talk to myself. I would create things out of Legos, such as little restaurants and office buildings, and things like that, and would create parking lots and little designs where my Hot Wheels cars would come into play, as each individual in this miniature world. In fact, while I was younger, my brother would sometimes help me out with my buildings and entertain me. I honestly do miss those days where simple things like that entertained me. In fact, now, they would still entertain me, if I had them anymore. I'd be amazed to start getting legos and simple things like that for Christmas again; I miss the Zoids sets that you had to put together yourself. My brother and I used to get those and build them together. Those were good times... But, whilst I was going along building things and entertaining myself by simple means like that, I would actually talk to myself, in a sense. I would ask myself questions, and what I should design in my buildings, or if this building looked good to me or not... And in a different mind, I would answer myself, and make adjustments to things so that it would appeal more to me. Basically, I was my own best friend. I used to have a Super Nintendo that I would play, but I would play two-player games, despite only playing by myself. Somehow that actually worked very well to me, and I actually would even play games like Tekken and somehow have double KO's from time to time. Don't ask me how this is possible, I'm honestly not sure how I pulled it off to this day; My memory is still fuzzy...
But I'm starting to go solo again in the sense that, I'm relying on the other sides of me for what I need. The minor things that are still significant; Appreciation, care, understanding... Someone to count on, someone to talk to. Those kinds of people do exist, but I obviously can't seem to find them. So the other sides of me, my other entities, will have to do... And I'm not really even phased by thinking this seems logical; I don't feel I'm abnormal or unusual, or in any way an idiot for relying on such a thing. It seems like the only thing that makes any sense to do anymore... So why not?
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