As I've mentioned in a mass on Yahoo, I'm sick for the first time in 6 years that I can recall. And it's not good, because it's getting worse in several ways. My tongue is swollen right now, which is something I don't ever remember having before. My throat's been sore and starting to close up at a very slow pace, but still happening. My appetite is ridiculously unsettled, to where I can't eat anything without feeling like I'll throw it back up. I've been eating apples lately, and that actually manages to settle my stomach, but hurts like hell to swallow. I've been really dizzy and exhausted, to the point that no matter how long I sleep, it's not enough... I fixed my schedule despite this, but I don't know if I can keep it. I feel like I could sleep for 3 days straight, and I'd still be exhausted...
If it gets much worse, I don't really think I could breathe on my own. It's getting to be a pain as it is now...
Despite being sick, I've managed to be really happy lately. I've talked to Andra a lot more on the phone, which is something I didn't do for the longest time. With Christmas coming up, and money getting really tight, I guess suddenly everything started to settle in. Life isn't perfect. I'm not going to have all the amazing dreams I looked forward to when I was growing up, and I'm not going to end up having the life I really really want, even if I put all the effort into it... It just won't happen. But I don't really care anymore, that's the thing. I'll be fine if all I get is to be with Andra... That's all that even matters to me anymore.
The only thing I hate is, I can never make /her/ happy. She makes me as happy as physically possible, despite the fact I feel like I'm dying physically. But I always make her more and more upset, without even trying to. I can't please her, and I am trying so hard. But sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it right or not. Maybe it's like I've said all along; I'm a fuck-up, and there's not a damn thing that can change that. I'm just happy she's still with me, I guess... It's been over 3 months since we got back together, and things seem like it did 12 months ago. Right up to Christmas, things started getting worse. But this time, it's not that we're fighting. It's that everything's coming back to her and she doesn't trust me. She says she does, but her actions, her emotions, they tell another story. She's not lying, she just doesn't want to hurt me... But honestly, I'd rather her hurt me than pretend to be okay. I know I fucked up, I know I made so many mistakes. Jon knows it, Kandi knows it, Jason knows it, Kyle, Spankeh (Clinton), Ashley, they all know it. Hell... Meagan knows it, Erica knows it. They took my side before because apparently I have some hypnotic way with words or some shit, but they /know/, I've showed them how I acted before. And they know how I can be and how much I switch around, and how aggressively bipolar I am sometimes. It was worse before... So why, Andra? Why don't you just hurt me and tell me off, instead of pretending to be happy with me? Don't I deserve that? If you'd be happier bitching me out and giving me all the screaming I deserve, then go ahead, please... I'm begging you, just stop pretending to be happy with me when you're not.
Sometimes I really do wonder, if I'd be better off dead. I could never go through with it. I told Andra on the phone last night, in an out-of-context way, that I couldn't... She insisted that if she left me, I'd find someone else. I told her, I couldn't; And even if by the 0.1% chance I could, I refuse to... And she said if she died, I wouldn't care. I told her, she doesn't remember me before my grandfather died. Nothing phased me. I was a little kid, I had my temper tantrums, but it was just immature little bickering. Nothing serious. I wasn't ever really depressed or emotional, or down in the dumps all the time. I was actually pretty chipper most of the time... But after that happened, it just really hurt. I was so devastated that reality was trying to sink in, but I wouldn't let it. That made it even worse on me because I refused to believe he was actually gone, and I wouldn't grow up and face the facts that life isn't what I wanted it to be... I told her, if she could even try to /imagine/ how much of a change I made after he died, to just imagine something else. If I lost her, it wouldn't be 2× worse. It wouldn't be 5× worse. I'd be surprised if it was anything less than 10× worse...
Have you ever seen those people in mental institutions, who are so mentally distraught that they're in a chair, covered by a little quilt, and they don't move? They don't look away, they look straight off into space. No movement, they don't eat on their own, they don't talk... They just sit there, forever. Other people have to feed them. Half the time, those people don't even sleep... They're not awake, but they're not really asleep. They're vegetables. They're practically brain-dead, due to psychological reasons rather than physical (e.g., coma)...
That's how I would end up. I've had dreams I lost her, even before we were going out. I woke up crying and screaming every time... My mind plays tricks on me so much that I always expect the worst, and this is no different...
It sounds stupid, but I'm unbelievably attached to her. I can't go a week without talking to her, I can barely go a day without talking to her. I want to move up north, but I don't have the money. And I don't think my mom will let me until I turn 18 anyway. And, tbh, I hate it. I wish I could go up there. But there's nothing I can do, I just have to hope I guess. I can't even get her a gift for Christmas this year, and I hate myself so much for it. I wish I could scrape together just enough money to buy some $10 present for her or /something/... But I don't have the money. I can't get her what I want to get her. I can't get her what she wants... I can't get her anything, and I hate it. I can't do /anything/ for her...
Am I really that useless after all...?
1 comment:
Wow. Wall of text.
But as far as the people that are like vegetables.. trust me, I already feel kinda like that.
I walk in, just feeling like an empty shell. It's painful, really.
But.. if I were in your shoes and that happened, I wouldn't be like that.. because I'd be in the ground. Grim, I know, but the one thing I live for dying like that.. what would be the point?
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