"Have you ever"

Have you ever been so depressed that the clouds in the sky had not a silver lining, just a darker grey outline?

Have you ever had your hopes drop so low, that you expect things not to get better, but even worse?

Have you ever been so broken that you cannot glue yourself back together, because the pieces are just too small?

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, this is how it's supposed to be...?



I used to sit around and wonder, about many many things. How other people endure life, how much worse it could be for other people, but how much better some others might have it. Just what it's like to live in happiness, but what it's like to live in true sorrow. I don't think I ever understood it. I may deal with empathy all the time, but I'm not capable of understanding everything... especially when I'm so empty that emotion is just a mask I wear to hide the feelings I actually feel inside.

I sometimes talk about how physically, I may have less time around here than most would. I'm not saying I have little time left, I've just said that I don't think I'm going to live past 60. I feel like I'd be lucky to live past 40 in all honesty... I used to be a little depressed about that because I wanted to grow old with Andra, have kids, eventually grandchildren, and all of that greatness. But with how things have really felt lately, how downhill my emotions have dropped, I honestly have no sorrow in living a short life; I would have absolutely no tears shed if I even only lived to 25. I haven't accomplished anything in my lifetime, I doubt I ever will. There's nothing worth regretting. Things have happened in the past, things will happen in the future. There's nothing that I want to accomplish before my death anymore, because I won't accomplish anything at all. I guess that if I died even today, it wouldn't phase me... My family and close friends, such as Tristan and Isaiah, would probably be a little bit upset. I think the only one who would really be devastated by it is my mom. The rest would move on within a month, tops. It doesn't really feel like anyone cares that much, and I guess that's what hurts... I don't think Andra would even be phased that much, since we only know each other online obviously, and don't know each other at all in person. Sure, we have a rough idea of what the other is like, we've seen pictures, but our attitudes online are apparently completely different from offline... For all we know, we're probably not even a match at all... I guess that's just how life works, no?


Ich weiß nicht. Ich hasse dass Lebenswerke auf diese Weise. Ich liebe sie... Aber was kann ich tun? Ich schätze, dass möglicherweise ich aufgeben sollte...

Meine Freunde sind immer dort; Aber was, wenn ich sie benötige hier?

Gut ist nichts einfach. Ich weiß den jetzt.


I haven't a clue what I'll do anymore. My dream life was to go to Juilliard, become a renowned musician (pianist, specifically), and make a living just playing piano alongside Andra, who has such a beautiful voice to accompany the melodies I could play... But I guess that dreams are just that; Dreams... I had backup plans, millions of them. Go to law school, study politics, things like that. Join the military, throw my life away - as if I had one without Andra in the first place. Things like that... But they weren't really what I was hoping for. But wishes really just don't come true, now, do they?

I risked it all. I put all my hopes and dreams in one girl who meant more than the world to me. I prioritized everything I had around her, knowing full well what could happen if it didn't work out. I took that risk, I knew that if her and I fell apart, I was left with nothing. I didn't want anything else though... It was a risk worth taking, knowing that even if there was a chance of it not working, there was also a chance that it could work. All I could do was try, and hope for the best... that's all I ever do.

People have tried to force me to get over her. When we had broken up the first time, I got with someone else, and that really didn't work. I was as miserable as could be, she wasn't happy with me. She still loved her ex, and left me for him. Ironically speaking, I was going to do the same thing anyway... I was never over Andra; Not just because I can't get over her, but because I /refuse/ to. I subconsciously, and even intentionally, refuse to get over her, ever. I love her too much, and people tell me: "You don't know what love is." I had a kid tell me that. He was jealous because I was with her and not him, and wouldn't give him a chance. He's probably younger than Andra was, and he tries to tell /me/ I don't know what love is. I'm sorry kid, but I won't listen to your 'words of wisdom'. I've been around the world twice (metaphor) and I've already established what I do and don't know. And the only way I can find out more, is the original method; Test it and see. If it works, it works, and I turn out to know something else. If it doesn't, I try again with a different approach. Eventually all the wrong answers, lead to the right one. That's how you do it in school, that's how you do it in life. The teachers don't give you the answers; God doesn't give you the answers... Why should I take a supposed answer on what "love" is, from a kid younger than me who probably knows not more than I do?

If I wanted tips on love, if I wanted life lessons, if I wanted /help/ in the first place, without learning how to cope on my own... I would ask my mom. I would even call Andra's mom. Hell, Casey and Ryan are usually only an IM away, and I could ask them if I really needed to. The thing is, it's not that I don't need help. I'm a lot like my brother in many ways, I /refuse/ help from others. I am open, I do like to talk on my own terms, and I do ask for help on some things. But other things, I feel like I'm supposed to learn on my own. Everyone else had to, why should I get the easy way out? Sure, I've had a psychologist growing up. What most of the family didn't know, was that I hardly told him much of anything. It's not because nothing was wrong, or because I didn't need help; It's because I didn't want it. I want to help other people, not other people help me. But I guess you can only help others, once you learn to help yourself. So that's what I'm doing; I'm not letting others help me, I'm trying to help myself first... then I can help others instead.

Call me crazy... but that's how I live my life. That's how I always have. Even if that means I'm basically getting nothing out of it for me, it's not as though I wanted anything out of it in the first place. I don't do things for my own profit; I like luxury, but only to an extent. You find more enjoyment out of pursuing the things you don't have, than actually having them. When you have everything, you have nothing worth having... When you have little, everything you have is worth the world to you. I'd be more depressed if I were rich, famous, and was set for life. So... I'm okay where I'm at now....