I remember when life was easy. When I was young... Before things started becoming real, before things were serious. Sure, people died; Some of my family died. But when I was young, I wasn't phased by it. Not until 2005... Then everything started crashing down. That's when reality settled in. Now, nothing is easy. Not a damn thing. Everything has become so serious and honestly? Yeah, I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm scared of it...
The one thing that I both cherish in my life, but also frequently worry about, is 'love'. I don't know fact from opinion, probable from possible, real from hypothetical, I don't know what's the truth or a lie anymore. Not after the life I've lived...
Okay, let's be a little bit open so that everyone who reads, knows /exactly/ how I feel, to exact detail; I'm talking, let's say the resolution I explained things before was a mere 800x600. Now, you'll see it in fuckin' 1280x1024 in HD... And better yet? Let's be honest, about everything. From how I act, to what I consider, to what I do, to what I think, to how I feel, and so forth... Are you following me? Yeah, this is going to be a little autobiography in a sense... Moving on.
First off; I've considered a possibility of multiple personalities before, but no. I have muses. Identities that I assume to avoid the real world. Yes, I can talk to myself, and other parts of me respond, but they're not personalities. They're muses; Beings that I created in my mind, almost like a piece of art. When you write a song, you play it, and your record it, then you decide to play it back, you don't realize you're listening to yourself exactly. When you draw a picture of yourself, you don't see /you/, but what you interpreted of yourself. When you write a story that you envisioned with yourself as the main character, when you read, you don't assume your own identity, but that of the main character... These 'muses' are characters I have created to such precise detail that they have /exact/ traits that other -pure- entities would have. Names, eye color, hair color, skin color, height, weight, clothing styles, personalities; In my mind, they are nothing less than real. They're numerous interpretations of myself. Each one, from their own era. If people remember how I was when I was distant, selfish, mostly a loner, and wanted noone around me, and was very standoffish? That's Michael... Then if people remember the attention-grabby random, intentionally immature childish side of me? That's Cameron... For each way I've acted in the past, part of me still assumes that attitude, but with a different identity. This allows me to be however I choose to when the time is appropriate, and ensures I'm never alone at any point in time, as I can choose to talk to myself if I feel lonely enough.
The disadvantage to my mentality is that, -- I blame my family for it, but, -- I don't exactly have an 'appropriate' mind. Sometimes my mind just isn't all there, sometimes it's in places it shouldn't be. Now the conflict to that is that the relationship I'm in means the world to me, and I would still be happy if I was paralyzed from the neck down, and still was able to be by her side. I could care less about half of the things that most teenagers care about; /Especially/ sex. I'm sorry, call me a disgrace to the male race. Yeah, I'll admit, I can be perverted, I can joke around and pull off my Tucker muse (Red vs. Blue), but it's just for kicks. When it gets down to it, I really /could/ care less about sex. Everyone thinks about it at times, I don't think "Oh god, I want to do that". Far from... I just push those thoughts aside, because the thoughts, the visions that appeal to me, aren't those. They're the future I hope for, with the career for me and Andra together, our own dream home, our pets. The scenery of everything outside, our families all together... /That/, is what appeals to me. That is what I care most about, is being with Andra. Not sexually, but actually being with her, as a true romantic, a /real/ relationship. Nothing more, nothing less...
I have considered screwing up my life in many ways. I'll list it in seperate paragraphs:
- Parts of my mind said if I couldn't be with Andra, I'd just do what every other guy does. Go through relationship after relationship after relationship just to fill the empty void. Problem with that, I tried that once and realized after the FIRST relationship after, that it wasn't filling the void at all. It was making me realize how empty it was even more so, because Andra wasn't completing me. There's no way in hell I'm going to try it again, and I could care less what people say. I could care less if Andra says "You'll move on again", I know damn well what I will and won't do. And sure, I /could/ move on if we broke up, but that's not what I'm implying. I'm saying I REFUSE to. I'm stubborn, I'm hopeful, but if I have to throw my life away to be happy, then I'll give /everything/ to be with Andra.
- I've considered if we broke up, that on my 18th birthday, I would immediately purchase a carton of cigarettes and begin the journey towards addiction. I would enlist in the military (despite the fact that they supposedly refuse enlistment from asthmatics due to health reasons, but allow people to smoke/drink out in Iraq, Germany, etc.). That way, I have three ways of dying sooner. I'm already technically an alcoholic, I just don't really have enough access, being a minor. Alcohol, tobacco, and gunfire. Three easy ways to die before I even reached 30. Sounded alright to me.
- I drink alcohol as it is. Sure, the legal age is 21... for possession. The state of Georgia permits consumption in privacy under the supervision of parents/guardians. As I'm sure at least my mom knows though, I don't always ask "Can I have some?", I usually just get some straight from the fridge. It's not like I drink every day. We don't have enough for that. And it's not like I get drunk, it takes a lot to get me even close to drunk, and I refuse to drink that much. Not after a promise I made...
- I'm extremely broken. I have a major sense of distrust not just for specific people, but everyone in general. Especially the male species. No, I wasn't raised that way, I just developed it. A lot of the males in my family especially ruined my trust for them. But that doesn't mean I trust the female species either. I have issues with them as well, considering my past. But I have a more severe distrust for a lot of males, especially when it gets to my unmatchable amount of jealousy...
- I need guidance. I'm not someone who can do things entirely solo, hence why I've always considered myself someone who lives a "submissive lifestyle", though people always interpret that sexually, much to my irritation. The reason I picked up piano was because Jon and Dana played it some. Guitar? Both of them, plus Kyle and Gerald. Drums? Kyle can play drums. Singing? Andra can sing wonderfully. HTML/other site development, and other computer things as well? Jon's amazingly gifted with computers, I wanted to be like him. It's all things like that. It's not that I have no originality, or that I want to be like everyone else. It's that when I collaborate with people, I excel more than if I try to do things on my own. I'm miserable with website development on my own, but when I sat next to Jon and we were working on the chat, we both managed to do so much with it in a minimal amount of time that I was impressed with how easily we both made it seem together. I don't know if it's that we're both extremely gifted, but have seperate sides of the spectrum when it comes to our intelligence, and putting 2 and 2 together manages to make it all work out, or if I'm just a mimic. I think it's probably the latter though... I really don't have much originality.
I could easily list so much more, and I will, but in due time. I don't exactly feel good, physically nor mentally, right now... Apologies. Another blog coming up within the remaining time left today.
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