In another note, I completely missed RAW. I wanted to watch it, but I guess I'll catch it online later. Only thing I can do.
Life's been shitty lately, it really has. I remember when I was young, nothing used to matter. Everything was innocent, naive, carefree, fun, whatever... It was worth living back then. And then when I grew up, things became more serious, more depressing, more hateful and irritating. It's not worth living anymore, but I do anyway. My mom lost her job, I can't get a job, my dad's claiming he's "broke" and won't do anything for us. My mom's side of the family is distant and doesn't seem to really care much about us, because they're dealing with their own chaos and stressing situations (none of them have a job either, and live in a terrible place right now). My best friend's fighting with his parents all the time (worse than before) and is getting depressive over girls. My cousin got kicked out of his house and is staying with my grandmother and uncle and aunt right now, and also doesn't have a job anymore... And my girlfriend, who means the most to me, is severely stressed and pretty much just plain pissed off at her best friend.
I hate living this life. I feel like a middle man, but not in business terms. I'm like a psychologist, a life-fixer, whatever. People seem to almost always turn to me for advice, and claim my advice is amazing and helps them out so much. And I've gotten so used to it that I offer advice without being asked, because I know when someone needs it. When something's going wrong, I try to avoid getting in the middle, but I do it anyway, and try to fix things between people. I try to stop arguments between friends and patch things up for them, even though it's not my business... And the thing is? I usually do a damn good job of it, no matter how long it takes me to... But during the time I'm doing all that, all the stress of each person who asks me for advice, each person who I help out, all the fights I get in the middle of... It all just jumps into the pile of stress I already have, and builds it even higher.
I feel like the lone magnet in this horrible world of stressful metallic particles. Sure, other people deal with stress. But I just seem to pull it all in even if it doesn't involve me in the first place.
And all this stress, whether people believe me or not, is wearing me down. I act okay, physically and mentally both. I appear happy most of the time, or at least careless. I seem like nothing's wrong, and even when things get tough, I generally calmly walk away from it all, no matter how pissed off I am, -- Tristan can vouch for that, after this past weekend. -- And even physically, I seem pretty stable, and don't look like anything's wrong with me, nor do I act like it...
But you know what, call me a hypochrondriac, call me overreacting, but let me tell you the truth:
I mask EVERYTHING.
I'm not mentally stable. I'm just about to break, and despite how calmly I can walk away when I'm pissed off, I want to rip out every hair in my head, I want to bust my hand through a brick wall even if every bone broke and every vein burst. I want to scream until my vocal cords tear and scar permanently... My mind is warping itself so much from stress that I blank out and will just sit there, thoughtless and empty, for several minutes without even realizing it until after I snap back to reality. I'm so broken that I'm numb, and I just don't feel anything anymore.
And physically? I'm choking up. I have problems breathing, I feel exhausted and tired every minute of the day, even if I've slept. I can't set a schedule and go to sleep at one time, and wake up at another time. I'll sleep for over 12 hours straight and still feel like it wasn't enough. Everything I eat has no taste, no flavor. It's all the same and nothing appeals to me. Visually, food will appeal to me. I'll see commercials, or newspaper ads, or coupons for various restaurants. Hell, visually and mentally, Golden Corral's breakfast buffet sounds appealing to me. But I know as soon as I go out to eat there, it won't taste as appealing as it looked. It'll taste the same as everything else has, and I won't even notice I've eaten anything within a few minutes, I'll be as empty as I was before I got there. I can't work out, I've tried exercising and I'm exhausted almost instantly. I can do about 10 push-ups straight without feeling like my arms are going to break; And that was the last time I tried, about a week or two ago. I can't imagine if I tried now. I'd give up after 5, I'm sure. I'm getting migraines frequently, my stomach feels turned all the time; My bones ache, my muscles are sore, my /veins/ feel like they're going to burst any minute. It's unbearably painful, and honestly? If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was dying of a disease that didn't exist.
Honestly, this life? I'm sick of it... But I keep on moving anyway. I just wish someone understood how broken down I was and how much I seriously mean it when I say that I need a psychologist appointment, and even a doctor's appointment to clinically diagnose just how fucked up I am physically (and of course, watch them say I'm perfectly fine, because my body masks it all externally, I bet)...
The only thing that even keeps me sane anymore is Andra. I constantly remind myself of her, and talk to her as much as possible, but when even she's breaking down, it's hard to keep calm and collective like I always did... If I lost her, I'd lose everything. There wouldn't be a me anymore.
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