I guess it's loneliness like this that makes me feel really upset. I like some alone time, but moments like this feel like solitary confinement... It's just me, and noone else. Nothing to do, noone to talk to. And if something happened, I'd have noone there to help... It's lonely, it really is. I know if I moved out on my own in the future, that I couldn't live alone. I just can't do it. I'd have to have a roommate to hang out with, or something... Anything. So long as I'm not alone.
This year has gone by so fast. I don't even remember what January, February, or even March ere like. I remember bits and pieces of Orlando during Spring Break in April, but I can't even visualize the roads, or the scenery, or any of that. I can only mentally picture an IHOP, and the Shamu show at SeaWorld. I can't even envision when I met Maria, I don't remember what she, or her parents, looked like... Just IHOP and that one part of SeaWorld, and the hotels. I can even envision the hot tub and the pool at the hotel, I can see all of that perfectly, every detail. But in my mind, that hotel is empty. There's noone there except me and my family, and it's rather lonely. I don't know why it's empty... it just is.
Then May, I don't remember. June came next, and it was rather hectic, June and July were fun months, but very confusing and emotional times for me. August came after, and more chaos ensued at the very beginning, but was repaired very quickly and things have been going really well for a month now...
Hard to believe it's been a month since we got back together. A month and a year since our anniversary. It feels so long, but so short... As though, it's hard to believe it's been so long since we first got together, but it feels like it hasn't been long enough. Sometimes I feel like maybe it won't last much longer, and it scares me. I guess I just hope for the best... Whatever happens, happens. If it ends up being what I don't want, I guess I'll endure it as long as I can.
I've been watching an anime I found out about unintentionally. It's called Kanokon; Kinda adult themed, with numerous innuendos and situations that would be questionable. It's an ecchi anime, but numerous people consider it questionably close, almost borderline to hentai. I think it's cute though, especially the 11th episode. The moonlit walk on the beach was so romantic, and somehow, rather than watching the show, I ended up daydreaming... I still saw the episode, and can play it back in my head, being so recent; But I was daydreaming in the middle of it too. I was just watching, thinking about how one day, I would love to be in that place. To be able to actually walk down the beach, underneath the shimmering stars and the gentle light of the moon, listening to the tide wash up on the sand and drift back out. Just walking there alongside the person I love the most... And when I said it aloud to myself, when I said "I'd love to be able to walk on the beach like that...", I paused. I'm not sure why either, but without even thinking about it, I had finished my sentence after that short pause. "...with Andra." And I mean that... I wouldn't care what state the beach is in. It could be California, Florida, Texas, Virginia, it doesn't really matter to me. So long as it's not crowded with millions of people, just a secluded little part of the beach, I'd be happy to walk hand-in-hand with her through the sand...
I'm surprisingly in a slightly affectionate mood right now. But it's no use, because she's at school, I assume. She's not online, either way, so I'll just have to wait until she gets home to tlak to her again... It's disappointing. For as long as I'd known her, we could talk any time of the day, every day, unless she went out to eat or shopping or something. Even during the school year, because the both of us were homeschooled. I grew so close to her just because we were always online at the same time, and could always talk... And now she's always gone. I miss her. I know she's online every day after school, but it's not the same. It feels like I'm so far away from her, and not just in traveling distance, but like I'm in a whole other universe... Like she doesn't even think about me anymore. It's lonely in my universe.
I have something to look forward to this weekend I guess. I'm going with my Dad up to my Grandmother's house in Jefferson on Saturday (too many capitalized letters in that sentence, it really started to irritate me). And I'm hoping, at the least, that Gerald will be there. Kyle may or may not be, and while I'd like to get to hang out with him, it doesn't matter too much. But at least if Gerald's there, I could play guitar, or preferrably bass, or just listen to him play when he does. Hell, just being around family is good enough for me, it'll distract me from the depression. Despite the fact that Grandpa's been gone for over 3 years now... I really do miss him. It's been 3½ years since I've seen him. It was about March, I think, since I ever saw him. In 2005, that is... Because I was in Florida from April [I think] until my mom picked me up to take me to the memorial... It's been a really long time, that's all I know. And I really really miss hearing him say "Come back when you can't stay so long", every time I'd leave... All the jokes and sarcastic remarks, as though he was pretending he didn't want me around. But he always had the same smile on his face, and made me /know/ he cared about me, no matter what jokes he said. I don't ever remember seeing him upset, he was always smiling. I don't care if it was a mask, or there were times he was upset that I never saw. He was my idol, in the family... And I really miss him.
I don't remember if I really played piano that much when he was around. I know I didn't play guitar or bass really, I'd picked those up after. I needed hobbies to keep me content. And I hadn't even met Stacy when he died, so I know I didn't know Andra... And it would've been nice for him to at least known the name of his future granddaughter-in-law... I know people will say he's looking down on me probably, but it's not the same. I wanted to grow up, I wanted to get married, and have the family there at the wedding. I wanted my kids to have great-grandparents just like I did for a while. I wanted them all, my wife and kids, to be able to see the man I looked up to so much... And I guess I can't do that anymore. But it's alright. He's still here in heart, and I can still show them pictures and explain. It may not be the same, but it's good enough for now...
One month and 9 days until I turn 17. I've started just saying I'm 17 already, just because I get ahead of myself sometimes. I'm not expecting anything major, my mom said she's getting me a bass and an amp for my birthday/Christmas, and I'm patient about that. She can take the itme to save money for that, I'm not in any hurry. And I'd assume, though it doesn't matter if not, that Bonnie (Tristan's mom) would make me a cake. I think she said she would, but even if not, it's okay. I'm not really excited for some reason... Maybe I'm just depressed right now, I'll find something to get excited about soon.
I want to get a job, desperately. I know the economy is bad, and that I'm not even an adult yet, so why am I rushing? Because, if I get a job, I can save up money now, eventually try to get a vehicle, my license, and get to see Andra sooner. Even if I can just save enough money to get a plane ticket, I don't care. So long asI can see her... It really matters that much to me. That's the only reason I really want a job. Right now, I couldn't care less about college. I just want to be with her... I'm tired of feeling so lonely.
Now you see why I titled the blog as I did. It's raining, very heavy, in my mind. It's been raining for a long time, and it hasn't let up at all... But it's still sunny, and there's even a rainbow. So it's a very pretty day... But it's a day you'd still stay inside your house, and just look outside through the window, wondering what it's like out there...
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