I look at all the fights I've gotten into with so many people, and it's pretty ridiculous. There's only been two people I haven't fought with, and the reason being; I hardly ever talk to them. One of which is my 'twin', Kyle... The other is my ex, Stacy. I never talk to Stacy hardly at all, I'm not even sure why I still have her added if I don't talk to her. But then again, I still have Maria added, and I don't talk to her that much either. Kyle on the other hand, I talk to occasionally, but still have never fought with him. Everyone else, I've fought with at least once.
Even some of my closest friends. And the things I've done are pretty ridiculous, I don't see why I'm trustworthy at all; Yet somehow, I am. Somehow any time something goes wrong, it's the other person's fault, not mine. I don't understand that... If people knew as much as they thought they knew about me, they would understand why I'm so terrified of rejection, why I hate myself so much, and why I expect everyone to turn on me... Things like that always happen for a reason, and I know the reasons.
In my last blog, I said I was still young, naive, and immature sometimes. What I mean by that is, being a teenage guy, I still find my ways to unintentionally flirt with girls, half of whom I don't even know. And I seem to find myself infatuated with all sorts of people, even when I'm in a 'committed relationship'... However, people will tell me I'm mature on that aspect because I admit I'm like that, but I don't do anything about it, I know it's wrong and avoid it... But I don't fucking care about that, I don't like that I -am- that way.
Look at my relationships; Stacy and I broke up, I took forever to stop trying to get her back, and eventually, a year and a half later, I got with Andra. We broke up 8 month slater, I said I'd never move on. I moved on in about 2 months. Got with Erica, and told her I'd never love anyone else, and if we broke up, I'd never move on... We broke up, about a month later, I got back with Andra. I've done this before in my past, numerous different times, and I'll admit, it's fucking ridiculous. Whether or not it was at the time, it ended up becoming several lies... See now? I'm a fucking liar.
I should also throw away my webcam. All the things I used to do, -- yeah, I'll be open about this, I'm fucked up anyway, -- weren't appropriate in any way. And hell, I did it with people I didn't even know, while in a relationship... Andra somehow knew, but didn't break up with me, didn't trust me any less... Part of me loves her so much for being that devoted to me, but part of me kinda hates her for not being strict on me. I like that she loves me no matter what, but sometimes I wish she'd be a bit harder on me for doing things I shouldn't, and not let me walk all over her... I know I used to all the time.
You know, I honestly don't think I even know what love is yet. Most of the time I got into a relationship just to be in one, not because I loved that person; I don't think I really know what 'love' is yet, I think I'm still too young. But I'm still pretty much attached to Andra regardless, and believe if I /do/ know what love is, then I know for a fact I love her. Noone else.
One of the only things about me that I hate, but it still amuses me. Any girl I talk to, I end up joking around and being "Tucker" (character from Red vs. Blue; well known for being a pervert and using the line "Bow chicka bow wow" after questionable lines, much like people would say "that's what she said"). And I'll even ask then straight-forward, some questionable things. But I don't do it because I'm some sex-obsessed teenager; Their answer tells me whether or not I want to even be friends with them. If they answer it without hesitation and don't seem to even care that I asked something that personal, I don't want to be their friend; They're too open, and there's no telling what kind of stuff they get into. Someone who keeps things that personal to be completely private, that's much better. If they refuse to answer, that's what I'm looking for. So it amuses me that I ask those kinds of things, or talk like that, but it gets me what I'm looking for.
One of the things I really dislike about myself, is while I have said before that I don't think cheating is okay, or polygamy (polyamory is on the fence) either... And how I don't think a guy, or a girl, if they're bisexual, can be with one of each sex... And yet, I've considered asking a guy out if I had Andra's permission. But I don't ask her permission because I don't want to do that; I just consider it... I guess all these things, people will say "It's normal to think about these things, but it's good that you don't act on it", but I really don't care about that. I still don't like it either way...
I guess I'm just ranting aimlessly about how horrible I am. x_x; Which in turn makes me feel stupid, and more horrible. ... Pretty vicious cycle.
Somehow though, I seem to have amused myself a little bit, despite not smiling, I have this strange urge to laugh at myself and say "What the fuck were you smoking when you decided to post this blog?"... Yupyup. ... I wanna play Halo with Jon. Srsly. I should work on a new map! ♥
Later.
No comments:
Post a Comment