So, the new year has started.
All apologies, got distracted by various things, and I'm ridiculously light-headed.
I enjoy the feeling of light-headedness, and it's rather difficult to describe, or explain /why/ I enjoy it. It's like an empty, careless feeling, and you can feel a slight gentle pulse in your head, but you're not dizzy or uncomfortable. It's like a calm breeze of emotion swept over you, and just cooled you down until you were completely relaxed. It's wonderful... I love this feeling, and it's so hard to keep, but feels so amazing. I know how to get this feeling, but it's not something I can do on my own. I know several ways... When someone makes me really happy, I get that feeling. I've gotten it a lot in the past growing up, but all things I can't really get again it would seem... But, I'm going to take a break from my blog to try to keep this feeling.
If anyone can explain the cause and feeling of light-headedness, please, tell me. I'd love to know how the feeling happens, and I'm not that great at describing it myself.
This post was going to be about a lot more, but yeah: It would've summarized the few parts I don't like about the start of this year, and the parts I do like, as well as a much better list of resolutions and goals. Plus I was considering posting an up-to-date biography, for the few people who don't know much about me. I promise, I will get around to finishing the post. I just want to enjoy this feeling for right now.
--
Okay. Continuing from where I left off...
The new year has started. It is officially 2009, and within 9 months and 9 days, I will be 18. Odd, more number humor. 9 + 9 = 18. Oddly enough, if you add all the numbers of this year (2 + 0 + 0 + 9), you get 11. Numerology, in even it's simplest forms, are amusing.
There are a few things I'm not looking forward to. I do look forward to being 18, but that means I have to get a job soon. I look forward to that to an extent. However, I don't look forward to the possibilities of things changing. I don't necessarily /believe/ that me and Andra will break up, but I do fear that I could possibly lose her. It's just anxiety, I'm sure, but still. It's just a little worry I have from time to time.
It's raining outside. The sound of the raindrops hitting the ground, and splashing, is very soothing. I had to pause my music just so I could hear it. It's rather odd, I don't care for storms, but I would love to live in a place where it's constantly raining. I enjoy the rain.
I sometimes miss my past. When people would help me to relax, in numerous ways, it gave me this light-headed feeling; which I know can say is possibly "bliss". Third grade, I believe, during some story that the teacher was reading for an essay we had to do, or maybe it was just time off from schoolwork and we couldn't go outside for recess (maybe rain), I don't remember. Nonetheless, I claimed the giant chair (which really was giant; two kids could sit in it without being crowded, but it was one chair). I don't remember the design of the chair or anything, maybe I wasn't even on the chair. I could've been on the bunk-bed or something. All I remember was, in the middle of listening to the teacher reading the story, one of my classmates, whose name I still remember, randomly ended up giving me a back massage through my shirt. I was always an outcast, and noone really noticed, but I don't really think anyone other than me cared. I never understood why, but I still remember it as if it was recently. It was the first memory I have of this light-headed, blissful feeling. I've had it several other instances, including just once, first time I met Haley during a double-sleepover at Tristan's (Haley was spending the night with Elle, and I was spending the night with Tristan; it was subtletly at it's best, for Elle to have planned that one out). She was sitting upright, told me to lay down (on my side) with my head in her lap, facing away. I think she just wanted to play with my hair. I think the reason I got the feeling then, was just because I was really relaxed. I had no reason to think of anything worrysome or depressing, I just didn't really care... I know I've had more instances with this feeling, including /several/ phone conversations with Andra where I've had it... I can't imagine how often I'll have that feeling when I'm with her in person. Oh God, it'll probably be Heaven on Earth. ... Too many things to capitalize in that sentence.
January 20th is going to be an awful day. Everyone's going to be talking about the new president, and personally, I don't want to hear about it. Not because I'm upset by it, or anything -- I don't approve of him being president necessarily, but I don't hate him -- but more because I really don't care. I didn't care in '04, or '00, or '96, or '92 (I was one then anyway)... Why should I care now? I just don't want to hear about it, because I'll state my opinion, then some stupid fight will break out over it. It happened on November 4th. I'm so glad that day was two months ago.
Valentine's Day. Terrible, terrible holiday. It's not even a holiday, it's a marketing scheme. But whatever. I can't believe there are VDay cards all over Wal-Mart already. Can't I go somewhere without seeing heart-shaped things everywhere I go, just for this month? I mean, you'll have two weeks in February where you see it, why can't I get past January without it? Ugh...
An autobiography would be nice... But I'm too lazy for that. I'll do it another day.
Being vegetarian isn't too bad. I didn't eat meat that much in the first place, so it's not like it'll be complicated to succeed or anything. I'm enjoying it so far, actually. If anyone has tips and pointers, or suggestions for things that would be good meat substitutes in the instances I want something similar, I'd appreciate it. Or even restaurants that have vegetarian selections...
I watched the Twilight movie finally. It wasn't awful, but it really was nowhere near as good as the book was. I'm really irritated at all the haters of Twilight, actually. Sure, it's not the best damn book ever, like all of the teenage girls think, but it is a good book. It's worth a read if you're into fantasy romance novels. And I personally think, if you don't read it, don't bother bashing it. That's just plain stupid, because your judgment is based off of /theory/, hypothesis... Assumptions, even. Don't assume; It makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Moreso you.
I'm borrowing an account for WoW. I just reinstalled it. If anyone has a full account, and plays on the Bleeding Hollow server, send me a message. If you play, but not on the Bleeding Hollow server, then make an account on that server to level up with me. 8D
I may update more later; Here's another pause... Later, everyone.
--
I decided that it was time I posted another update.
I was reading earlier, several poems I had written for Andra, or about her. Some during depressive times, others when I was just madly in love with her. I wrote them very often. I wrote as much as I could about her, because she meant a lot to me. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wonder what happened... I don't think about her as much. I do think about her a lot, but maybe I began limiting myself. Maybe I felt I was smothering her, so I started to back off a little bit. I remember times when I would spend the night at Tristan's, and after I had to hang up with her on /their/ phone, I would feel so empty inside and almost feel like crying. I guess I was just young and naive. We've both grown up and matured since then. I think things are actually better now, but they are a little bit more serious. Sometimes I wish we would have retained our innocence and naivety just a little bit more than we have. But I'm still very happy where I stand now.
I really hope she enjoys all the surprises I have in store for her this year. Especially if everything falls together as planned, and my mom agrees to help me out with some of it. I /really/ hope it all works out.
This is really all I have left to say though. I'm sleepy and have a headache now. The light-headed blissful feeling left, and my head is heavy again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
And, oddly, though I feel she probably won't read this blog, I feel like saying this on here anyway:
I love you, Andra.
I'll be dreaming of you, just so I won't have to spend several more hours missing you. Even if I hear your voice playing in my head like a tape recorder, and have pictures of you burned inside my mind anyway...
Good night, everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment