A.) I'm vegetarian now. It was something I've been contemplating for a while, but I finally kicked the idea out, and just went for it. Let's see how long I can pull it.
B.) I already learned how to control my emotions before, but I need to keep them in check all year. So far, so good... 4 days down. 361 to go.
C.) Not really a resolution, but a goal; I /hope/ that me and Andra are together, all year. I couldn't ask for anything more.
So far, A & B are working wonders. C? ... I'm not sure. I'm scared to be saying that, to be admitting it to myself, but I'm honestly not sure. I don't know what's going on anymore, I've never felt so broken in my life. So empty. It's not because I don't love her, I do. I love her more than anything in the world, and I try so hard to show her that, but I just can't obviously. I can't prove to her that I love her, I can't cheer her up when she's down, I can't make everything else seem so insignificant like she does with me. I can't be her knight in shining armor, who carries her off to her own safe place away from all the sorrows and pains she suffers from every day... I can't do anything to make her happy. At least, she never acknowledges, if I do... I'm tired of always feeling so empty, and always feeling like things are falling apart. I want to be with her, and have the happiest times of my life, for an indefinite period of time. For years, and years. Not just for a few hours... But why, honestly, why is it that we try so hard to strive for something we can apparently never have? Why is it that the things we want most, are so far out of reach? Why does God taunt us so...?
I've never been so depressed in my life. I've been down before, pretty far, and for different reasons. But now, I've never felt so hurt. I've never felt like nothing is working out anymore... I've never really wanted to give up this much. The only reason I don't, is because I can't just give up. I have too much to work for. I'm too stubborn to let this all fall apart. But if I lose Andra... I can't keep holding on. I just can't. No, I'm not saying I refuse to try without her, I'm not saying I don't want to. I'm saying, I /can't/. Everyone has limitations, and requirements. Everyone has to breathe, eat, sleep. For me, Andra is a requirement. Any time my eyes are open, I somehow find a way to see her, even if she's not really there. And if I close my eyes? She's still there anyway. I hear her voice in my head, every hour of every day I'm awake; Even in my dreams, I hear her. I can't say I taste/smell her, that would both sound weird and a little bit disturbing; aside from that, I have no sense of taste, and I deal with constant allergies preventing me from smelling anything. But I practically /breathe/ in her existance. Without her, I literally cannot survive. I would drive myself so insane and lose all sense of existance that if I was even alive physically, I would be so brain-dead that even saying I was in a coma would be putting it lightly... And I'm scared to say I feel I'm going to lose her.
Why can't I be Superman...?
Why can't I save her from all the things that could possibly put her in harms way, even if I have a weakness of my own...?
Maybe I am Superman.
Maybe she's what shields me from the Kryptonite, that's seemingly surrounding me everywhere I go.
Or maybe I'm just dreaming indefinitely, and this is all my imagination.
Maybe I'm already in a coma...
Maybe I was too late.
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