I'm finding this is a very difficult point my life. I'm unusually depressed lately, and I don't know why. I have nothing to be upset over, everything's great really. I actually have things straightened out for the most part, and I'm even looking forward to later things in life. ... But yet, something feels wrong. It's almost like I can't believe everything is straightened out. I'm so used to a life of conflict, lies, secrets, and being used, that... I believe this is actually a dream. I /know/ it's not, but I don't believe it's not. My mind is fragmented enough that logic =/= reality. I know, logically, this is real life; But I don't feel nor believe that it is. It's a dream. Nothing is this easy... Unfortunately, I know I can't deal with depression like this for much longer. If I endure this for even another year, I can honestly say I'll crack under the pressure. Way too much weight for me to handle, and I don't even know /why/ I'm depressed. That's what makes it so difficult. If I knew, I could talk about it, I could vent my frustrations and pains, but... I don't know. I'm just that broken. It's so confusing and stressing. I'm depressed, because I'm depressed. And I can't get rid of it...
I feel like running away again. I made so many new friends, and I honestly can't make everyone happy. But I feel like I can't be around them, if I can't make them happy; I can't give them all what they want, I can't even always respond to them. There are days that I simply want to talk to one person only, and with all the various people I know, this becomes extremely difficult. I feel like such an asshole because I'll honestly refuse to respond to someone, just so I can keep myself in the right mindset and focus myself on talking to the one person I wanted to talk to from the start. Why is it that, while I push myself to make everyone else happy, I end up being such a jerk by avoiding them when I can't make them happy, and eventually run away? I'm not even worthy of being called a failure as a human being; I'm so much worse than that.
I know now why I failed in my relationships before. I don't know how to act in a relationship, I don't know what to do. I expect everyone else to do all the work because I'm so inexperienced. It's no wonder I've ruined Andra's life so much; I treated her like shit, and I hate myself for it. I really do. I know it's in the past, but that doesn't matter. I fucked up, completely. There's no excuses. And, the part I hate most is, I haven't really changed. I'm more mature in some aspects, but I /still/ don't know how to act. I don't know anything, I honestly don't... I wish I did. I want to make Andra happy, and I do love her, I really do. I want to be with her, and I'm doing everything I can to make her happy and know that I love her, and prove I can be trustworthy... But I'm failing miserably at it. Why is everything so difficult?
I'm an oxymoron. Things are both ridiculously easy, and ridiculously difficult at the same time.
I think when I get home... I'm going to sleep. For a very long time. I won't sleep until then. That way once I get home, I have no choice but to immediately fall over onto my bed, close my eyes, and succumb to the sweet embrace of a possible 24+ hour coma. I will enjoy the indefinite session of sleep... Maybe it'll help me to straighten out my thoughts. I can only hope...
Okay, screw not sleeping until then; I'll take a nap. But I'm still having an extended sleep session when I get home.
Fin.
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